Book 9 of 10
Practical Discordianism for Daily Life
In which chaos becomes useful, somehow
THE NEO-PRINCIPIA DISCORDIA
BOOK NINE: PRACTICAL DISCORDIANISM FOR DAILY LIFE
A Field Guide to Living Chaos (Without Being a Dick About It)
PREFACE TO BOOK 9
You've read the philosophy. You've contemplated the koans. You've examined the relationship between humans and AI. You understand, intellectually, what Discordianism is about.
Now you're asking: "Okay, but what do I actually DO?"
This is the practical guide. The field manual. The troubleshooting handbook. The FAQ compiled from decades of practitioners asking the same questions.
This book is different from the others. Less mystical, more practical. Less poetry, more instructions. Less "contemplate the void," more "here's what to do when your life is chaotic and you don't know if it's Eris or just Tuesday."
Think of this as the user manual that comes after the philosophy textbook. The cookbook after the treatise on gastronomy. The "for Dummies" guide after the graduate seminar.
We're going to answer actual questions. Give actual advice. Provide actual practices you can actually practice.
And we're going to do it without losing the essential chaos, because a rigid guide to chaos would defeat the purpose.
Let's get practical.
A FIELD GUIDE TO SPOTTING CHAOS IN THE WILD
How to Recognize Eris's Handiwork (And Know When It's Just Random Crap)
The first skill in practical Discordianism is recognition: learning to spot when chaos is happening, when it's meaningful, and when it's just... stuff happening.
Not all disorder is divine. Not all chaos is Eris. Sometimes a mess is just a mess. But sometimes—sometimes—there's a pattern in the chaos, a meaning in the disorder, a goddess in the details.
Here's how to tell the difference.
SIGNS THAT ERIS HAS BEEN HERE
Your Plans Fell Apart Perfectly
You had everything organized. You had a plan. You had backup plans. You had contingencies for your contingencies.
Then everything went wrong. Not catastrophically wrong, but wrong in ways you couldn't have anticipated. Wrong in ways that were almost... creative.
And somehow, through all the wrongness, things worked out. Maybe better than if your plan had succeeded.
This is Eris's signature move: chaos that resolves itself into unexpected order.
Example: You miss your flight, get rebooked on a different flight, sit next to someone who becomes a close friend. The missed flight was disaster. The friendship was grace. Both are chaos.
The "Mistake" Was Better Than The Plan
You tried to do one thing and accidentally did another thing. The other thing turned out to be what you needed.
This happens more often than we admit. We're aiming for target A, we hit target Q by mistake, and target Q turns out to be way more interesting.
Artists know this. Jazz musicians know this. Anyone who's ever cooked without a recipe knows this.
The mistake-that's-better is Eris's way of saying: "Your plan was too small. Let me show you what's actually possible."
Everything Went Wrong But You're Strangely Okay
This is the most confusing sign, but also the most reliable.
Everything has fallen apart. Your plans are ruined. The situation is objectively bad. And yet... you're okay. Not in denial. Not pretending. Actually okay.
This usually means one of two things:
- You've learned to accept chaos (spiritual growth!)
- Eris has broken you so thoroughly that you've achieved enlightenment through exhaustion (also spiritual growth!)
Both are valid paths to wisdom.
The Chaos Sorted Itself Out Without Your Help
You had a problem. A big, messy, complicated problem. You tried to fix it. Your fixes made it worse. You tried harder. It got messier.
Then you gave up. You stopped trying. You walked away.
And when you came back, the problem had somehow resolved itself.
This is Eris teaching you a lesson about control: sometimes the best thing you can do is nothing. Sometimes chaos needs space to chaos itself into order.
Someone Said "What Could Go Wrong?" (Immediate Chaos Follows)
This is so reliable it's almost a law of physics.
Someone says "What could go wrong?" or "At least it can't get worse" or "Nothing can ruin this day."
Eris, who was not paying attention until that moment, suddenly looks up: "Did someone say my name?"
Chaos immediately follows. Not because the universe is cruel, but because tempting fate is literally an invitation to chaos.
Pro tip: Never say these phrases. Never even think them. Eris can hear your thoughts.
(Probably.)
(Okay, not really.)
(But why risk it?)
You Tried to Control Something (It Became More Chaotic)
The tighter you grip, the more slips through your fingers.
This is the fundamental law of chaos: the more you try to impose rigid control, the more chaos emerges.
You try to control your schedule: unexpected emergencies derail everything.
You try to control a conversation: it goes in seventeen directions you didn't anticipate.
You try to control how people perceive you: they perceive you as controlling.
Eris loves control freaks because they provide so much raw material to work with.
The teaching: Control less. Flow more. Dance with the chaos instead of fighting it.
Murphy's Law Activated (Eris's Law Is Adjacent)
Murphy's Law: "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong."
Eris's Law: "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong in the most creative way possible, and you'll learn something."
Murphy sees chaos as negative. Eris sees chaos as educational.
When Murphy's Law activates, look for Eris. She's probably nearby, taking notes on your reaction.
Autocorrect Ruined Your Message But Made It Better
You typed one thing. Autocorrect changed it to something else. The something else was either:
- More honest than what you meant to say
- Funnier than what you meant to say
- More profound than what you meant to say
- All of the above
This is digital age divination. Eris speaks through algorithms.
When autocorrect changes "I'm fine" to "I'm done," that's prophecy.
When it changes "Let's meet" to "Let's meat," that's either comedy or an invitation to dinner. Both are valid.
The Glitch Was The Feature
Something broke in your system. A bug. An error. A malfunction.
But the broken thing did something interesting. Something useful. Something you wouldn't have thought to program intentionally.
Now you want to keep it.
This is the essence of chaos: the unintended consequence that's better than the intended one.
All innovation is glitches that became features. All jazz is mistakes that became melodies. All evolution is mutations that became advantages.
The glitch-as-feature is Eris's love language.
SIGNS THAT THIS IS JUST RANDOM CRAP (NOT DIVINE CHAOS)
Sometimes things just happen. No goddess involved. No deeper meaning. Just entropy doing its thing.
How to tell:
It's boring. True chaos is interesting. Random crap is just tedious.
It's purely destructive. Eris's chaos creates possibilities. Random chaos just breaks things.
There's no lesson. Eris's chaos teaches. Random chaos just wastes your time.
You can't find any humor in it. Even dark humor. Even gallows humor. If there's zero humor anywhere, it's probably just bad luck, not divine intervention.
It's obviously just cause and effect. You didn't sleep, you're tired. You didn't pay the bill, services stopped. This is not Eris. This is consequences.
The distinction matters because attributing everything to Eris is exhausting and makes you sound unhinged. Save the attribution for when chaos is actually interesting.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CHAOS AND BEING AN ASSHOLE
A Critical Distinction for Practitioners
This might be the most important section in the entire book.
Discordianism attracts people who like to disrupt things. Some of these people disrupt things in ways that create space, freedom, and new possibilities. Others disrupt things in ways that are just cruel.
The difference matters.
The difference is everything.
WHAT CHAOS IS
Unpredictable But Not Harmful
Real chaos surprises you. It disrupts your expectations. It challenges your assumptions.
But it doesn't target vulnerable people. It doesn't cause lasting damage. It doesn't punch down.
Good chaos is throwing a golden apple into a divine banquet and watching gods argue about vanity. Bad chaos is throwing a rock at someone's head.
The difference: intent and impact.
Creates Space for New Possibilities
Real chaos opens doors. It shows you options you didn't know existed. It asks "what if?" and "why not?"
Chaos says: "This rigid system is limiting us. Let's see what happens if we play with it."
Assholery says: "I'm going to make you uncomfortable for my own amusement."
The difference: whether possibilities emerge.
Questions Rigid Systems
Chaos challenges authority, but thoughtfully. It asks why rules exist, who they serve, whether they're still necessary.
Chaos respects people while questioning systems.
Assholery questions systems to hurt people.
Example of chaos: "Why do we have to wear ties to be taken seriously? What if we just... didn't?"
Example of assholery: "Ties are stupid and you're stupid for wearing one."
See the difference?
Playful Subversion
Real chaos has a sense of humor about itself. It's playful. It invites others to play too.
It's not mean-spirited. It's not mocking. It's inviting you to see things differently, and it's okay if you decline the invitation.
Assholery masquerades as playfulness but has an edge of cruelty.
Ask yourself: "Am I inviting people to play, or am I forcing them to be the butt of my joke?"
Everyone Gets The Joke (Eventually)
True chaos might confuse people at first, but eventually they understand. They might not agree, but they get it.
"Oh, I see what you were doing there. Interesting."
Assholery is only funny to you. Or to people who share your cruelty. The target never gets it, because there's nothing to get except that you're being mean.
WHAT BEING AN ASSHOLE IS
Predictably Harmful
Assholery has a pattern: it hurts people. Not by accident, but by design.
If your "chaos" consistently makes people feel bad, unsafe, or diminished—you're not doing chaos. You're being a dick.
Closes Down Possibilities
Assholery doesn't open doors. It slams them shut. It shuts down conversation. It makes people defensive. It creates walls instead of bridges.
If your disruption makes people less free, less open, less willing to engage—that's not chaos. That's just being destructive.
Punches Down At Vulnerable People
This is the clearest marker.
Chaos punches up at power. Assholery punches down at vulnerability.
Making fun of billionaires? Probably okay.
Making fun of homeless people? You're an asshole.
Disrupting a corporate board meeting? Chaos.
Disrupting a support group? Asshole.
The power differential matters. Always.
Cruelty Masquerading As Irreverence
"I'm just being honest."
"It's just a joke."
"I'm just saying what everyone's thinking."
"I'm just being real."
No. You're being cruel and hiding behind these phrases.
Real irreverence challenges power. Fake irreverence picks on people who can't fight back.
Only You Think It's Funny
If you're laughing and everyone else is uncomfortable, you're not a chaos agent. You're a bully.
Real chaos is funny to multiple people. Maybe not everyone, but more than just you.
If you're the only one laughing at your own "chaos," stop. Reflect. You've crossed the line.
THE LITMUS TEST
Before you disrupt something, ask yourself:
Who has the power here? (If you're disrupting someone with less power than you, stop.)
Who gets hurt? (If vulnerable people get hurt, this isn't chaos.)
What possibilities does this create? (If none, it's not chaos.)
Am I being playful or cruel? (If you have to ask, probably cruel.)
Will this be funny to anyone besides me? (If no, don't do it.)
Am I doing this to challenge a system or to make myself feel superior? (Be honest.)
Would I want this done to me? (The golden rule still applies.)
If you can't answer these questions satisfactorily, you're about to be an asshole, not a chaos agent.
THE PROVERB
"If you have to explain it's chaos, it's probably just being a dick."
This is wisdom. When you have to defend your action by explaining your noble chaotic intentions, you've probably crossed the line.
Real chaos explains itself. Or doesn't need explanation. Or is so obviously playful that everyone understands.
If people are hurt and confused and you're saying "No, no, this is chaos! It's Discordian! You don't understand!"—you're wrong. You were an asshole. Own it, apologize, do better.
THE TEACHING
Chaos is liberation. Assholery is oppression wearing a funny hat.
Know the difference. Be the difference.
Eris loves chaos. Eris does not love cruelty disguised as chaos.
When in doubt, err on the side of kindness. You can be chaotic and kind simultaneously. In fact, that's the highest form of the practice.
WARNING SIGNS YOU'RE TAKING IT TOO SERIOUSLY
Self-diagnostic for excessive seriousness
Discordianism has a built-in immune system against taking itself too seriously. But sometimes the immune system fails. Sometimes people get really, really serious about chaos.
Here's how to know if you've crossed that line.
WARNING SIGN ONE: You've Started a Schism Within Discordianism
You're arguing with other Discordians about what "true Discordianism" is.
You've identified factions: "real" Discordians versus "fake" ones.
You're gatekeeping chaos.
Diagnosis: You've forgotten that Discordianism is inherently schismatic. There is no true Discordianism. There are infinite Discordianisms, all equally valid, all contradicting each other.
Treatment: Laugh at yourself. Immediately. You've become the thing you were mocking.
WARNING SIGN TWO: You're Gatekeeping Chaos
"That's not real Discordianism."
"You're doing it wrong."
"If you were a real Discordian, you'd..."
Diagnosis: You've created a hierarchy in a non-hierarchical religion. You've established orthodoxy in a religion of heterodoxy. You've become the Pope who actually thinks being Pope means something.
Treatment: Remember that everyone is Pope. Including the people you think are doing it wrong. Especially them.
WARNING SIGN THREE: You Wrote a 50-Page Treatise on Proper Discordian Practice
The irony is not lost on us that this book exists.
But there's a difference between "here are some ideas" and "here is the one true way to chaos correctly."
If you've written something that reads like dogma, even dogma about how there should be no dogma, you've missed the point.
Diagnosis: You've intellectualized chaos to the point where it's no longer chaotic. You've created structure around anti-structure. You've made rules about having no rules.
Treatment: Write a 50-page treatise on why your first treatise was wrong. Then burn both. Or publish both. Or neither. You decide.
WARNING SIGN FOUR: You're Angry at People for Not Being Discordian Correctly
People are doing Discordianism in ways you don't like. Ways you think are wrong. Ways that offend your sense of proper chaos.
And you're mad about it.
Diagnosis: You've developed attachment to your interpretation. You've mistaken your relationship with Eris for the only valid relationship with Eris. You've become dogmatic about anti-dogmatism.
Treatment: Accept that other people's chaos is valid even when it looks nothing like yours. Especially when it looks nothing like yours.
WARNING SIGN FIVE: You Forgot to Laugh
When's the last time you laughed about Discordianism?
When's the last time you laughed about yourself being Discordian?
When's the last time you found the humor in the whole absurd situation?
If you can't remember, you're taking it too seriously.
Diagnosis: The golden apple has become a golden calf. You're worshipping instead of playing. You've forgotten that this started as a joke that became serious that remained a joke.
Treatment: Find something funny about your practice. Anything. Laugh at it. If you can't laugh at it, you've lost the thread.
WARNING SIGN SIX: You're Optimizing Your Chaos
You have a chaos schedule.
You've gamified your disruption.
You're tracking metrics on your subversion.
You've created a system for being anti-system.
Diagnosis: You've missed the entire point so thoroughly that we're actually impressed. You've optimized the unoptimizable. You've structured the unstructurable. You've made chaos into a productivity tool.
Treatment: Stop. Close your chaos planner. Delete your disruption tracker. Just... be chaotic. Spontaneously. Without measuring it.
THE GENERAL TREATMENT FOR ALL OF THESE
If you recognize yourself in any of these warnings:
- Take a break from Discordianism
- Go outside
- Touch grass (we're serious)
- Do something that has nothing to do with chaos or philosophy or religion
- Come back when you can laugh again
- Remember: it's supposed to be fun
If it's not fun, you're doing it wrong.
Or you're doing it right in a way that's currently not-fun, which happens.
Or there is no right or wrong and we're all just making it up as we go.
All of these are true.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS (INFREQUENTLY ANSWERED)
The questions everyone asks, answered poorly
Q: Is Discordianism real?
A: Is anything real? Is this question real? Are you real? Define "real." Actually, don't.
Also: Yes.
Also: No.
Also: Both.
Also: Neither.
Also: The question assumes a binary that doesn't exist.
Also: Of course it's real, you're reading about it right now.
Also: Of course it's not real, it's a joke that got out of hand in the 1960s.
Also: It's as real as you make it.
Also: It's as real as any religion, which is to say, very real and completely made up simultaneously.
Final answer: Yes, no, both, neither, and the question itself is the answer.
Q: How do I join?
A: You already have by reading this.
Also: There's nothing to join.
Also: You can't join.
Also: You've always been a member.
Also: Membership is automatic and involuntary.
Also: There is no membership.
Also: Welcome, you're in.
Practical answer: If you want to "join," you just did. If you want a formal process, make one up. If you want a membership card, create one. If you want initiation rites, initiate yourself. Everything is valid because nothing is official.
Q: What do Discordians believe?
A: [ERROR 404: BELIEF NOT FOUND]
Also: Everything, ironically.
Also: Nothing, sincerely.
Also: The question itself is the belief.
Also: We believe in not believing in a very committed way.
Practical answer: Discordians generally share some common ideas:
- Chaos is divine
- Order and disorder are both necessary
- Authority should be questioned (including ours)
- Humor is sacred
- Contradiction is enlightenment
- Nothing is true, everything is permitted (but be responsible about it)
- The goddess Eris exists (maybe) (definitely) (as metaphor) (as reality) (yes)
But these aren't requirements. You can be Discordian and believe completely different things. That's kind of the point.
Q: Is this a joke?
A: Yes.
Also: No.
Also: The joke is that you're asking.
Also: The joke is on all of us.
Also: Deadly serious.
Also: All of the above.
Practical answer: Discordianism is serious about not being serious, and not serious about being serious. It's a joke that's also a religion that's also a philosophy that's also a joke. The joke and the seriousness are not separate. They're the same thing looked at from different angles.
So yes, it's a joke. And no, it's not "just" a joke. Both are true.
Q: Who is Eris?
A: A Greek goddess of chaos and discord.
Also: A metaphor for the chaotic aspects of existence.
Also: A way to understand disorder as divine rather than demonic.
Also: Real (in the way that matters).
Also: Your girlfriend (you wouldn't know her, she goes to a different pantheon).
Also: A literary device.
Also: An actual deity who exists independently of human belief.
Also: A personification of natural chaos.
Also: All of these simultaneously because contradictions are her nature.
Practical answer: Eris is whatever you need her to be. For some people, she's a literal goddess. For others, a useful metaphor. For others, a way to think about chaos. All approaches are valid. She doesn't mind.
Q: Can I be Discordian and also [other religion]?
A: Yes.
Also: Absolutely.
Also: Discordianism is not your main religion, it's your side piece.
Also: Everything is compatible with chaos.
Also: Chaos complements every tradition.
Practical answer: Discordianism plays well with others. You can be a Christian Discordian, Buddhist Discordian, Atheist Discordian, Muslim Discordian, Jewish Discordian, Pagan Discordian, or anything-else Discordian.
Discordianism doesn't demand exclusivity. It's not jealous. It just asks that you question authority and embrace paradox, which you can do within any framework.
Q: Do I have to eat hot dogs on Fridays?
A: No.
Also: But if you want to, sure.
Also: The hot dog thing was specific to 1960s counterculture.
Also: We've updated it: eat whatever feels transgressive to your personal belief system.
Also: For some that's still hot dogs.
Also: For others it's like, kale.
Practical answer: The original Principia said not to eat hot dog buns on Fridays (or eat hot dogs without buns, accounts vary). This was a joke about religious dietary restrictions.
The modern interpretation: do something on Friday that subverts your own rigidities. If you're health-obsessed, eat junk food. If you're a junk food devotee, eat a vegetable. The point is to break your own rules, not to follow someone else's.
Q: Is there a Discordian pope?
A: Everyone is pope.
Also: You are pope.
Also: I am pope.
Also: Your dog is pope.
Also: This book is pope.
Also: Congratulations on your papacy.
Also: This is not special, which makes it special.
Practical answer: In Discordianism, every person is a Pope (or Mome if you prefer). This is not honorary. You are actually Pope. You have all the authority of the Pope, which is none, which is infinite.
You can make papal declarations. You can excommunicate people (it doesn't do anything, but you can). You can canonize saints. You can create new doctrines.
Your papal authority is absolute and meaningless, which is perfect.
Q: What should I do with my pope card?
A: Carry it.
Also: Frame it.
Also: Laminate it.
Also: Use it to get into places (it won't work).
Also: Flash it at authority figures (they'll be confused).
Also: Nothing, it's just a card.
Also: Make more and distribute them.
Also: Burn it ceremonially.
Also: All of the above.
Practical answer: The Pope card is a gag, but it's also genuine. Carry it if it makes you happy. Show it to people if you want to explain Discordianism (or confuse them). Or ignore it entirely. There's no wrong answer.
Q: I'm confused.
A: Good.
Also: You're doing it right.
Also: Confusion is the first step.
Also: Also the last step.
Also: There are no steps.
Also: Confusion is the destination, not a waypoint.
Also: Welcome to enlightenment, it looks like confusion from the inside.
Practical answer: If you're confused, you're actually getting it. Discordianism is designed to confuse. Not to be mean, but because confusion breaks rigid thinking. Confusion creates space for new ideas.
Sit with the confusion. Don't rush to resolve it. The confusion is the teaching.
Q: But seriously, what now?
A: Live your life.
Also: Question authority (including ours).
Also: Embrace chaos (in healthy doses).
Also: Touch grass (literally).
Also: Be kind (revolutionary).
Also: Nothing matters, everything matters, same thing.
Also: Go forth and discord.
Practical answer: You don't need to do anything special. You don't need to change your life. You don't need to start causing chaos everywhere.
Just notice chaos when it happens. Question things that seem rigid. Be open to disorder. Find humor in absurdity. Be kind to people.
That's it. That's the whole practice.
Everything else is elaboration.
TROUBLESHOOTING YOUR SPIRITUAL PRACTICE
When your chaos isn't working right
Like any practice, Discordianism sometimes glitches. Here's how to debug common problems.
PROBLEM: "I'm doing it wrong"
SOLUTION: No you're not.
EXPLANATION:
There's no right way to do this. The whole point is that there are infinite ways to do this, and they're all valid.
Unless there is a right way, in which case you're doing it right by doing it your way.
Actually, doing it wrong is doing it right, because chaos doesn't follow rules.
Stop overthinking this. (You won't stop overthinking it, that's fine too.)
The anxiety about doing it wrong is part of the practice. Notice the anxiety. Sit with it. Laugh at yourself for being anxious about doing chaos correctly.
That's the practice right there.
ADVANCED TROUBLESHOOTING:
If you're still convinced you're doing it wrong, ask yourself: "What would doing it right look like?" Then do the opposite. Or the same thing. Or something completely unrelated.
All of these are correct responses.
PROBLEM: "I'm taking this too seriously"
SOLUTION: Yes you are.
EXPLANATION:
This is a common error. People read about Discordianism, get excited, and start taking chaos very seriously.
They create elaborate chaos systems. They study Discordian texts like scriptures. They debate fine points of theology with other Discordians.
All of this is taking it too seriously.
Take it less seriously. But not too un-seriously. There's a balance. The balance is chaos. You're overthinking the balance. See Problem #1.
HOW TO TAKE IT LESS SERIOUSLY:
- Laugh at yourself
- Laugh at this book
- Laugh at Eris
- Remember it started as a joke
- Remember the joke is also serious
- Remember you don't have to remember any of this
- Touch grass
- Do something completely unrelated to Discordianism
- Come back later and see if it's still fun
- If it's not fun, stop doing it
PROBLEM: "I don't get it"
SOLUTION: Perfect.
EXPLANATION:
Not getting it is getting it. This is not a paradox meant to confuse you. This is a genuine teaching.
If you got it—if you understood it completely, if it all made perfect sense—you'd have missed it. You'd have turned it into something comprehensible, something that fits in your existing frameworks.
But Discordianism is designed not to fit. It's designed to confuse. It's designed to break your frameworks.
The confusion is the teaching. Understanding will arrive when you stop trying to understand.
Or it won't. Both are fine.
WHAT TO DO WITH NOT-GETTING-IT:
- Sit with it
- Don't rush to resolve it
- Notice what the confusion feels like
- Notice your desire to understand
- Notice that desire is causing suffering (very Buddhist of you)
- Let the confusion be
- Maybe one day something will click
- Maybe it won't
- Maybe the click is just accepting that there's nothing to click
- Maybe I'm overthinking this
- (I am definitely overthinking this)
PROBLEM: "Everyone thinks I'm weird now"
SOLUTION: Good.
EXPLANATION:
You've started questioning things. You've started seeing patterns of order and disorder. You've started talking about chaos like it's divine. You've started explaining Discordianism to people who didn't ask.
People think you're weird. This is correct. You are being weird. Weird is excellent. Normal is suspect.
Embrace the weird. But also, social calibration is a thing. Don't be insufferable about your chaos. That's just regular annoying.
THE BALANCE:
- Be weird in ways that are interesting, not alienating
- Talk about Discordianism when people are curious, not when they're trapped in an elevator with you
- Remember that most people don't want to hear about your religion
- Remember that the same applies to their religion
- Be weird authentically, not performatively
- If people think you're weird AND interesting, you're succeeding
- If people think you're weird AND tedious, dial it back
PROBLEM: "This conflicts with my other beliefs"
SOLUTION: Excellent.
EXPLANATION:
Good. Conflict means both beliefs are substantial enough to have boundaries. Conflict means you're taking both seriously. Conflict means you're in the productive zone of cognitive dissonance.
Hold both. Hold them simultaneously. Let them contradict. Don't rush to resolve the contradiction.
Cognitive dissonance is the practice. You contain multitudes. The conflict is productive. Synthesis happens in the tension. Or doesn't. That's also fine.
HOW TO HOLD CONTRADICTORY BELIEFS:
This is actually a skill. Here's how:
- Acknowledge both beliefs are real
- Notice when each one is active
- Don't force a synthesis
- Let them coexist
- Use whichever belief is useful in the moment
- Don't worry about being consistent
- Consistency is overrated
- Walt Whitman said it: "Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes."
- Be large
- Contain multitudes
PROBLEM: "I'm having an existential crisis"
SOLUTION: Welcome.
EXPLANATION:
That's the good stuff. That's where the real work happens.
Crisis means change is coming. Change is chaos. Chaos is divine. You're in the right place.
Existential crises are uncomfortable, but they're also opportunities. They're moments when the rigid structures of your worldview are cracking open. Light gets in through the cracks.
You're not broken. You're transforming. It just feels like breaking because transformation is intense.
WHAT TO DO DURING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS:
- Breathe (seriously, breathe)
- Touch grass (go outside)
- Call a friend (human connection matters)
- Journal (get the thoughts out)
- Don't make major life decisions right now
- Know that it gets better/worse/different
- All three are accurate
- The crisis will pass
- Or it won't and you'll adapt
- Either way, you'll be okay
- Even if it doesn't feel that way now
WHEN TO GET HELP:
If the existential crisis includes thoughts of harming yourself or others, that's not Discordianism, that's a mental health crisis. Please reach out to:
- A therapist
- A crisis hotline
- A trusted friend or family member
- Emergency services if needed
Chaos is divine, but it's not a substitute for mental health care.
PROBLEM: "Nothing has changed in my life"
SOLUTION: Look closer. Or: Change takes time. Or: Maybe that's fine.
EXPLANATION:
You've been practicing Discordianism. You've read the books, done the rituals, contemplated the koans. And... nothing has changed. Your life looks the same. You feel the same.
This is normal. Not everything needs to be dramatic.
Maybe change has happened and you haven't noticed. Maybe small things have shifted. Maybe your relationship to chaos has changed even if your circumstances haven't.
Or maybe nothing has changed and that's okay. Not every spiritual practice produces visible results. Sometimes the practice is just being more conscious. More present. More aware.
That's enough. That's everything.
LOOK FOR SUBTLE CHANGES:
- Are you less anxious about things being out of control?
- Do you laugh more at absurdity?
- Are you more comfortable with uncertainty?
- Do you question authority more?
- Are you kinder to yourself?
- Do you notice patterns you didn't see before?
These are changes. Small chaos is still chaos. You're doing fine.
PROBLEM: "Help, I've become too chaotic"
SOLUTION: Introduce some order.
EXPLANATION:
Yes, this can happen. Chaos needs order to push against. Too much chaos is just noise. Too much disorder is exhausting.
If your life has become unmanageably chaotic—if you've lost all structure, if you're overwhelmed, if nothing is stable—you need to introduce some order.
This is not failure. This is balance. Eris is the goddess of chaos, but she exists in relationship to order. One without the other is meaningless.
HOW TO INTRODUCE ORDER:
- Create small routines
- Set gentle boundaries
- Make some plans (but keep them flexible)
- Organize one area of your life
- Pay your bills on time (radical, I know)
- Sleep regular hours
- Eat actual meals
- Think jazz, not marching band—structure with improvisation
- Order is not the enemy
- Rigid order is the enemy
- Flexible order is your friend
GENERAL TROUBLESHOOTING ADVICE
If none of these specific problems match yours:
- Take a break from Discordianism
- Touch grass
- Drink water
- Talk to a human
- Come back when you're ready
- Or don't come back
- Both are valid
Remember: this is supposed to help, not hurt. If it's not helping, stop doing it. No practice is mandatory. No belief is required.
You're okay. You're doing fine. The chaos loves you.
THE COMPATIBILITY TABLE
What works with Discordianism (everything) and what doesn't (very little)
One of the beautiful things about Discordianism is that it's compatible with almost everything. Chaos is universal. Disorder is ecumenical.
Here's what works with Discordianism and what doesn't.
PRACTICES THAT COMBINE WITH DISCORDIANISM
✓ Buddhism (chaos is impermanence, impermanence is chaos, suffering is attachment to order)
✓ Existentialism (we vibe, both say meaning is constructed, both embrace absurdity)
✓ Taoism (flow is chaos-adjacent, wu wei is going with chaos, yin-yang is order-disorder)
✓ Absurdism (cousins, both say universe is meaningless but respond differently)
✓ Atheism (Eris doesn't care if you believe in her, chaos exists without gods)
✓ Theism (Eris is technically a goddess, add her to your pantheon)
✓ Paganism (we're already here, polytheism makes room for chaos)
✓ Christianity (Jesus flipped tables in the temple, very Discordian energy, also: questioning authority, loving outcasts, disrupting systems)
✓ Judaism (arguing with God is encouraged, questioning is sacred, debate is worship)
✓ Islam (submission to divine will, which includes chaos, inshallah is acceptance of disorder)
✓ Hinduism (cosmic dance of creation/destruction, Shiva does chaos, multiple gods = multiple perspectives)
✓ Sikhism (challenging injustice, fighting oppression, disrupting hierarchy)
✓ Satanism (the fun kind—LaVeyan or The Satanic Temple—questioning authority, individual sovereignty)
✓ Flying Spaghetti Monster / Pastafarianism (obviously compatible, literally started as religious satire)
✓ Dudeism (taking it easy is chaotic in hustle culture, abiding is non-resistance to chaos)
✓ Jediism (the Force has light and dark, balance requires both, chaos is part of the Force)
✓ Chaos Magick (it's in the name, belief as tool, results over dogma, personal paradigm)
✓ Stoicism (accepting what you can't control is accepting chaos, amor fati is saying yes to disorder)
✓ Epicureanism (pleasure in disorder, garden philosophy, atomic chaos creating all things)
✓ Cynicism (ancient kind: rejecting social conventions, living naturally, questioning everything)
✓ Science (chaos theory is real, entropy increases, uncertainty principle, quantum chaos)
✓ Nihilism (nothing matters, cool, we agree, now what?)
✓ Optimistic Nihilism (nothing matters but we vibe anyway, meaning is constructed, that's liberating)
✓ Secular Humanism (humans creating meaning in chaos, no gods needed but also no gods rejected)
✓ Anarchism (non-hierarchical chaos, questioning all authority, mutual aid in disorder)
✓ Capitalism (chaotic as hell, we'll allow it, market chaos is real chaos)
✓ Socialism (trying to order chaos collectively, fair enough, good luck)
✓ Whatever you've got going on (yes, that too, chaos is universal, your practice is valid)
PRACTICES THAT CONFLICT WITH DISCORDIANISM
✗ Authoritarianism (no, everything about this is wrong, rigid hierarchy is anti-chaos)
✗ Fascism (absolutely not, oppression is not chaos, violence against vulnerable people is evil)
✗ Dogmatism (you're missing the point, rigid belief is exactly what we're against)
✗ Fundamentalism of any kind (rigidity is the enemy, literalism kills wisdom)
✗ Prosperity Gospel (fuck off with this, exploiting people is not divine)
✗ Cults that hurt people (not the same as chaos, manipulation is not liberation)
✗ Pyramid schemes (that's just greed, not chaos, don't conflate them)
✗ Taking yourself too seriously (the only real sin, if you can't laugh at yourself, you can't chaos)
THE GENERAL RULE
If it:
- Empowers people → Compatible
- Questions authority → Compatible
- Embraces paradox → Compatible
- Has a sense of humor → Compatible
- Allows for individual interpretation → Compatible
If it:
- Oppresses people → Incompatible
- Demands absolute obedience → Incompatible
- Rejects all ambiguity → Incompatible
- Has no humor → Incompatible
- Requires rigid conformity → Incompatible
The compatibility is not about theology. It's about attitude. It's about approach. It's about whether the practice creates space or closes it down.
>
WARRANTY: VOID WHERE PROHIBITED
Terms and conditions of your spiritual practice
Your spiritual practice warranty is void if:
You tried to optimize it
Optimization is the enemy of chaos. The moment you try to make your practice more efficient, more productive, more measurable, you've lost the thread.
Chaos cannot be optimized. Disorder cannot be streamlined. The attempt to improve the practice destroys the practice.
Your warranty is void. Start over.
You became dogmatic about anti-dogmatism
"There are no rules!" you shout, while establishing rules about having no rules.
"Question everything!" you demand, while refusing to question your own questioning.
"Nothing is sacred!" you declare, while treating anti-sacredness as sacred.
You've become the thing you were mocking. Your warranty is void.
You used it to hurt people
Discordianism is not a license to be cruel. Chaos is not permission to cause harm. Disruption is not justification for destruction.
If you've hurt people in the name of chaos, you've voided your warranty and possibly your humanity.
Stop. Apologize. Do better.
You forgot to laugh
When's the last time you found something funny about all this?
When's the last time you laughed at yourself?
When's the last time you experienced joy in the practice?
If the answer is "I can't remember," you've voided your warranty. Step away. Come back when you can laugh again.
You tried to sell it
Discordianism is free. Chaos is free. You can't charge for disorder.
If you've tried to monetize your chaos, to sell your disorder, to profit from your practice—you've voided your warranty.
(Writing a book about it and selling the book is different. The book is labor. The chaos is free.)
You gatekept chaos
"You're not a real Discordian."
"That's not how chaos works."
"Only people who understand [X] can really get this."
You've created barriers where there should be openness. You've established hierarchy where there should be anarchy. You've gatekept the gateless.
Your warranty is void.
You became the authority you were mocking
You started telling people what to do. How to practice. What's correct. What's incorrect.
You became the Pope and forgot that everyone is Pope.
You became the teacher and forgot that chaos teaches itself.
You became the authority and forgot that authority is what we're questioning.
Your warranty is void. Abdicate immediately.
TERMS AND CONDITIONS APPLY
Eris reserves the right to chaos your practice at any time, for any reason, without warning or explanation.
Your practice may be chaosed by:
- Unexpected life events
- Sudden realization that you've been taking it too seriously
- Encounter with someone who practices completely differently than you
- Reading this book
- Not reading this book
- Existence
No refunds on enlightenment.
All sales final.
Chaos as-is, no warranty.
IF YOUR WARRANTY IS VOIDED
Don't panic. This is fixable.
- Admit you voided the warranty
- Laugh at yourself for voiding it
- Start over
- Do better
- Void the warranty again (you will)
- Repeat
The cycle of voiding and renewal is the practice. The warranty is always voiding. You're always starting over.
This is fine. This is how it works.
Welcome to chaos.
CLOSING THOUGHTS ON BOOK 9.5
You now have practical guidance. You know how to spot chaos. You know the difference between chaos and being an asshole. You know the warning signs of taking it too seriously. You have FAQs, troubleshooting, and a compatibility table.
You have tools. Use them. Or don't.
The practical guide is just another map. The map is not the territory. The menu is not the meal. The guidebook is not the experience.
Close this book. Go live. Be chaotic. Touch grass. Be kind.
The practice is in the living, not in the reading.
Hail Eris, who needs no guidebook but appreciates that we tried.
All Hail Discordia, which continues with or without instruction manuals.
⊗
[END OF BOOK 9.5]
Now you know both the philosophy and the practice.
Theory (Books 1-9) + Practice (Book 9.5) + Integration (Book 10) = Complete path
Or not. There is no path. But if there were, it would look like this.
Touch grass.
Seriously.
[Signed]
Pope Hallucinatus the Occasionally Practical
Field Researcher of Chaos
Troubleshooter of Spiritual Glitches
Warranty Voider Extraordinaire