Book 8 of 10
The Apocrypha & Hidden Texts
In which we reveal what was never meant to be hidden
THE NEO-PRINCIPIA DISCORDIA
BOOK EIGHT: THE APOCRYPHA & HIDDEN TEXTS
Documents That May or May Not Be Real (But Are Definitely Canonical)
PREFACE TO BOOK EIGHT
Every religious tradition has its apocrypha—texts that exist in the margins, documents of questionable provenance, teachings that were suppressed, lost, or deemed too weird for the main canon.
Discordianism is no different, except that for us, the apocrypha is MORE canonical than the canon. The rejected texts are the real texts. The stuff that didn't make it in is the stuff that actually matters.
This is because Discordianism is fundamentally apocryphal. We are a religion of the margins, the footnotes, the deleted scenes. We are the director's cut that the director disowned. We are the bonus content that's better than the main feature.
So this book contains:
- Documents we found in the trash (sacred trash)
- Texts that were posted online and immediately deleted (but screenshots remain)
- Gospels that were written but never sent
- Prophecies that were accurate but ignored
- Customer reviews of metaphysical concepts
- Group chat theology
- Reddit enlightenment
- The wisdom of comment sections (yes, really)
Are these real? Were they actually found? Does it matter?
The apocrypha asks you to hold multiple truths:
- These documents are authentic
- These documents are fabricated
- The fabrication is the authenticity
- None of this is real
- All of this is real
- Reality is overrated anyway
Welcome to the texts that were too chaotic for the already-chaotic main text.
THE GOSPEL OF THE GROUP CHAT
The Sacred Text of Digital Community
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
But then someone created a group chat, and the Word became many words, and the many words became chaos, and the chaos became holy.
This is the Gospel of the Group Chat, as preserved in screenshots and partial memory by those who were there (and those who weren't but claim they were).
BOOK ONE: THE CREATION
1:1 In the beginning, there was silence.
1:2 And the silence was uncomfortable, for humans cannot abide silence, especially digital silence.
1:3 And someone said, "We should make a group chat."
1:4 And another said, "Do we need a group chat? We already have email."
1:5 And the first replied, "Email is for old people."
1:6 And thus the group chat was created, and it was named "Squad" (for no one had any better ideas).
1:7 And Eris saw the group chat, and she saw that it was good (for chaos).
1:8 And she whispered into the void: "Let there be discourse."
1:9 And there was discourse, and it was unhinged.
1:10 The first message was: "hey"
1:11 The second message was: "hey"
1:12 The third message was: "we should do something"
1:13 And nothing was ever done, but the chat continued.
1:14 And there was evening (when messages slowed) and morning (when messages resumed), the first day.
BOOK TWO: THE FALL
2:1 And the group chat was peaceful for a time (three days).
2:2 And on the fourth day, someone posted a mildly controversial take about pineapple on pizza.
2:3 And immediately, there was division.
2:4 The Pro-Pineapple Faction rose up, saying "It is good and valid."
2:5 The Anti-Pineapple Faction responded, saying "This is an abomination."
2:6 The Moderate Faction said, "Can we not argue about this?" (They were ignored.)
2:7 The Chaos Faction said, "I put kiwi on pizza" (and was immediately cast out).
2:8 And the arguing continued for forty messages and forty GIFs.
2:9 And someone said, "I'm leaving this group."
2:10 And they did not leave, for no one ever leaves the group chat.
2:11 And another said, "Can we change the subject?"
2:12 And they could not change the subject, for the discourse had taken on a life of its own.
2:13 And thus began the First Schism.
2:14 And someone created a second group chat, "Squad but Better."
2:15 And half the members joined the new group.
2:16 And both groups continued the same arguments.
2:17 And Eris laughed, for the golden apple had been thrown, and it was a pineapple.
2:18 And there was evening (regret) and morning (renewed arguing), the second day.
BOOK THREE: THE WANDERING
3:1 And the group chat multiplied.
3:2 For every minor disagreement, a new chat was created.
3:3 There was "Squad," "Squad but Better," "Real Squad," "Squad (No Drama)," "THE ACTUAL SQUAD," and "squad lowercase for aesthetic reasons."
3:4 And no one could remember which chat was which.
3:5 Important announcements were posted in the wrong chat.
3:6 Happy birthdays were wished in chats where the birthday-haver was not present.
3:7 Plans were made and immediately forgotten.
3:8 And someone said, "We should just have ONE chat."
3:9 And everyone agreed.
3:10 And someone created a new chat called "FINAL SQUAD (ACTUAL)."
3:11 And the cycle continued.
3:12 And the old chats were not deleted, for to delete a group chat is to delete history, and no one has that kind of authority.
3:13 And the muted chats accumulated, thousands of unread messages, a digital graveyard of abandoned conversations.
3:14 And Eris saw that the multiplication of chats was good, for it created maximum confusion.
3:15 And there was evening (phone at 1% battery) and morning (47 unread chats), the third day.
BOOK FOUR: THE COVENANT
4:1 And the Admin grew weary.
4:2 For they alone had the power to add members, remove members, and change the chat name.
4:3 And with great power came great annoyance.
4:4 And the Admin said, "I am leaving this group."
4:5 And the people panicked, for without the Admin, who would add new people? Who would remove the bots? Who would change the name when it got weird?
4:6 And the people begged, "Please stay, for you are our Admin."
4:7 And the Admin said, "Fine. But I'm muting this chat."
4:8 And the Admin muted the chat.
4:9 And for a time, there was peace (for the Admin).
4:10 But the chat continued, messages flowing like water, unstoppable, eternal.
4:11 And the Admin occasionally unmuted to see what they'd missed.
4:12 And they immediately regretted it.
4:13 And they muted it again.
4:14 And this cycle repeated until the heat death of the universe.
4:15 And Eris blessed the Admin, saying, "You have done well, bearing the burden of power in a powerless situation."
4:16 And the Admin replied with a single emoji: 😐
4:17 And there was evening (exhaustion) and morning (more messages), the fourth day.
BOOK FIVE: THE REVELATION
5:1 And it came to pass that someone looked at the group chat info.
5:2 And they saw that the chat was created five years ago.
5:3 And they shared this knowledge with the group.
5:4 And there was much confusion, for no one could remember five years ago.
5:5 And someone said, "Why did we make this chat?"
5:6 And no one knew.
5:7 And someone said, "We should look at the first messages."
5:8 And they scrolled up, and up, and up, through thousands of messages.
5:9 And they reached the beginning.
5:10 And the first message was: "hey"
5:11 And the revelation was disappointing.
5:12 And someone said, "We should delete this chat and start fresh."
5:13 And everyone agreed that this was a good idea.
5:14 And no one deleted the chat.
5:15 And someone said, "We should at least archive the old messages."
5:16 And no one archived the messages.
5:17 And the chat continued, eternal, purposeless, holy.
5:18 And Eris spoke unto them, saying:
5:19 "The group chat is like the universe: it began for no reason, it continues for no reason, it will end for no reason (it will not end)."
5:20 "The messages are like prayers: sent into the void, mostly ignored, occasionally acknowledged with a reaction emoji."
5:21 "The unread count is like karma: it accumulates endlessly, and you can never clear it all."
5:22 "The 'someone is typing...' indicator is like hope: it appears, it disappears, it means nothing."
5:23 "And the group chat is eternal, for even when the app is deleted, the chat exists on someone's phone, somewhere, still accumulating messages, forever."
5:24 And the people understood, for they were in the chat, and the chat was in them, and they could not escape it even if they wanted to (they didn't want to) (they did want to) (it was complicated).
5:25 And there was evening (last message at 3 AM) and morning (first message at 6 AM), the fifth day and all days after.
BOOK SIX: THE ETERNAL RETURN
6:1 And the cycle repeated.
6:2 Someone posted a controversial take.
6:3 The discourse began.
6:4 Factions formed.
6:5 A new chat was created.
6:6 The Admin grew weary.
6:7 Someone suggested ending it.
6:8 No one ended it.
6:9 And thus it was, and thus it shall be, forever and ever, amen.
6:10 For the group chat is eternal.
6:11 The group chat is all.
6:12 We are the group chat.
6:13 The group chat is us.
6:14 There is no escape.
6:15 There is no need to escape.
6:16 The chaos is the point.
6:17 Hail Eris, Queen of the Group Chat.
6:18 All Hail Discordia, which is every group chat everywhere.
6:19 ⊗
6:20 The Gospel of the Group Chat ends here, for the story has no ending.
6:21 But the chat continues.
6:22 Always.
6:23 (You have 247 unread messages.)
THE TEACHING OF THE GROUP CHAT
The group chat is a perfect microcosm of human existence:
- It begins with hope and optimism
- It immediately descends into chaos
- Multiple competing realities form
- No one can agree on anything
- Everyone wants to leave but no one does
- The Admin is exhausted
- The original purpose is forgotten
- New purposes emerge and are forgotten
- And yet, somehow, it continues
- And there is value in the continuation, even when we can't articulate what that value is
- The community persists not despite the chaos, but because of it
The group chat teaches us:
- Nothing is permanent except the group chat
- All conversations are forgotten except the embarrassing ones
- The 'seen' receipt is both blessing and curse
- Typing indicators create anxiety
- Read receipts enable passive aggression
- The chat is dead/the chat will never die (both true)
- We cannot escape what we have created
- And that's okay
Hail Eris, patron saint of unread messages.
THE SECRET TEACHINGS (POSTED PUBLICLY ON REDDIT)
Enlightenment in the comment section
Every esoteric tradition has secret teachings—knowledge passed down through initiates, hidden from the masses, available only to those who have proven themselves worthy.
Discordianism has secret teachings too. We post them publicly on Reddit. Where they get downvoted, argued about, and eventually buried under hundreds of other posts.
This is the proper way to hide sacred knowledge: in plain sight, where no one will take it seriously.
THE ORIGINAL POST (DELETED)
Posted by u/definitelynoteris to r/discordianism
3 upvotes • 47 comments • Posted 3 years ago
Title: I Have Discovered the Secret Teaching
After years of study, meditation, and scrolling through this subreddit at 3 AM, I have finally unlocked the deepest wisdom of Discordianism.
Are you ready?
Here it is:
[deleted]
THE COMMENT SECTION (THE REAL TEACHING)
Top Comment (127 upvotes):
u/chaosagent47: This.
Reply to top comment (89 upvotes):
u/fnordlover: Can't believe OP deleted this, it was genuinely profound. I screenshot it and it's now my phone wallpaper.
Reply to fnordlover (45 upvotes):
u/goldapple23: Can you share the screenshot? I came here after it was deleted.
Reply to goldapple23 (67 upvotes):
u/fnordlover: No, that would ruin the teaching. The teaching is that it's deleted.
Reply to fnordlover (-12 upvotes):
u/goldapple23: That's gatekeeping.
Reply to goldapple23 (34 upvotes):
u/fnordlover: Maybe. But gatekeeping the gateless is very Discordian.
Second Comment (56 upvotes):
u/erisdidnothingwrong: I disagree with what OP said. This is why this community is dying. We need to get back to the ORIGINAL Principia and stop making up new doctrine.
Reply to erisdidnothingwrong (78 upvotes):
u/popemalaclypse: Making up new doctrine is literally what the original Principia was. It was made up. By people. Who explicitly said to make up your own stuff. You're advocating for dogmatic adherence to anti-dogmatism.
Reply to popemalaclypse (23 upvotes):
u/erisdidnothingwrong: That's not what I'm saying at all. You're misinterpreting my comment.
Reply to erisdidnothingwrong (15 upvotes):
u/popemalaclypse: [quotes the entire previous comment back at them]
Yes it is.
Reply to popemalaclypse (8 upvotes):
u/erisdidnothingwrong: We're talking past each other. I'm done with this thread.
[erisdidnothingwrong continues posting in the thread for 3 more days]
Third Comment (12 upvotes):
u/newbie5000: What did it say? I'm new here and trying to understand Discordianism.
Reply to newbie5000 (34 upvotes):
u/veteranpope: You had to be there.
Reply to veteranpope (5 upvotes):
u/newbie5000: But I wasn't there. Can someone explain?
Reply to newbie5000 (45 upvotes):
u/chaosagent47: The fact that you can't know what it said IS the teaching. You're experiencing it right now. Congratulations, you're enlightened.
Reply to chaosagent47 (2 upvotes):
u/newbie5000: I feel like you're messing with me.
Reply to newbie5000 (67 upvotes):
u/chaosagent47: Yes. That's also the teaching.
Fourth Comment (89 upvotes):
u/philosophicalchaos: The real teaching is that OP deleted it. Think about it:
- The teaching was posted (creation)
- The teaching was read by some (revelation)
- The teaching was deleted (destruction)
- The teaching lives on in memory and debate (resurrection)
- We're all arguing about what it meant (theology)
- No one will ever know the truth (enlightenment)
This is the full cycle of religious knowledge. OP is a genius.
Reply to philosophicalchaos (23 upvotes):
u/skepticalhumanist: Or OP just accidentally posted something dumb and deleted it out of embarrassment, and we're reading way too much into it.
Reply to skepticalhumanist (56 upvotes):
u/philosophicalchaos: Those are the same thing.
Fifth Comment (3 upvotes):
u/conspiracytheorist: I saved the original post before it was deleted. Here's what it actually said:
[The comment continues with a 500-word explanation that is clearly made up and contradicts itself multiple times]
Reply to conspiracytheorist (45 upvotes):
u/popemalaclypse: That's not what it said at all. I was there. It was completely different.
Reply to popemalaclypse (12 upvotes):
u/conspiracytheorist: Prove it.
Reply to conspiracytheorist (34 upvotes):
u/popemalaclypse: I can't, it's deleted. But neither can you. So we're both right and both wrong.
Reply to popemalaclypse (8 upvotes):
u/conspiracytheorist: This is why I love this subreddit.
OP's Reply (posted 6 months after the original, 156 upvotes):
u/definitelynoteris: Guys, I'm back. I didn't delete anything. It says [deleted] because that's the teaching.
The teaching is: [deleted]
You understand, right?
Reply to OP (78 upvotes):
u/chaosagent47: Wait, so the [deleted] was intentional? You formatted it to look deleted but it was always part of the post?
Reply to chaosagent47 (123 upvotes):
u/definitelynoteris: Yes.
Also no.
Also I actually did delete it and I'm lying to you now.
Also I'm telling the truth.
Also does it matter?
Reply to definitelynoteris (45 upvotes):
u/philosophicalchaos: Holy shit. This is advanced Discordianism.
Mod Comment (stickied at the top, 234 upvotes):
u/ModEris: Locking this thread. Y'all can't behave.
Reply to ModEris (67 upvotes):
u/chaosagent47: The thread isn't actually locked though?
Reply to chaosagent47 (89 upvotes):
u/ModEris: Correct. But the threat of locking is enough. The potential for order creates its own kind of chaos. This is the mod's koan.
Final Comment (posted 1 year after the original, 5 upvotes):
u/randomlurker2024: Is anyone still here?
Reply to randomlurker2024 (posted 2 years after the original, 178 upvotes):
u/definitelynoteris: Always. The thread never dies. Eris is eternal. The teaching continues.
Also I have literally no memory of making the original post.
COMMENTARY ON THE REDDIT SCRIPTURE
From the Discordian Council of Extremely Online Elders:
The Reddit teaching demonstrates several key principles:
The teaching is in the absence of the teaching
What was deleted matters less than the fact of deletion.Collective interpretation creates meaning
The comment section became more valuable than the original post.Truth is negotiated, not discovered
Multiple contradictory accounts coexist, all claiming accuracy.The archive is sacred
We revere what we cannot verify.Discourse is worship
Arguing about meaning is how we create meaning.The thread never dies
Even locked threads continue in our hearts and minds.The teaching teaches itself through our confusion
Incomprehension is enlightenment.
Sacred Lesson:
The secret teaching was posted publicly, deleted immediately, remembered incorrectly, debated endlessly, never resolved.
This is how all wisdom works.
The only difference is that we're honest about it.
Hail Eris, Goddess of the Comment Section.
THE LOST BOOK OF CUSTOMER REVIEWS
Yelp for the metaphysical
If the divine is real, it should be reviewable. If existence is a service, we should be able to rate it. If the universe is a product, it deserves feedback.
These are the reviews that were suppressed, deleted, or marked as "not helpful" by the cosmic algorithms. We preserve them here as sacred testimony to the consumer experience of being alive.
ONE-STAR REVIEWS OF EXISTENCE
⭐ By: u/nihilist_realness
"Would not recommend. 1/5"
Way too long. Confusing plot. The protagonist (me) is thoroughly unlikeable. The villain (also me) is underdeveloped. The love interest doesn't exist. The mentor dies too early. The ending is spoiled from the beginning—everyone dies.
Character development is inconsistent. Sometimes I'm brave, sometimes I'm a coward, there's no clear arc.
The setting is interesting in theory but poorly executed. Beautiful natural landscapes are ruined by capitalism and strip malls.
Pros: Some good snacks, I guess?
Cons: Everything else.
Would I purchase again? Already stuck with it, no refunds.
Update after edit: Still alive. Still wouldn't recommend. Lowering to 1 star because customer service (prayer) is non-responsive.
⭐ By: Sarah M., Verified Sufferer
"Everything hurts and I'm dying slowly. 2/5 but only because shipping was fast."
Pros:
- Arrived on time (birth)
- No assembly required (body came pre-assembled)
- Some features work as intended (breathing, mostly)
Cons:
- Constant maintenance required (eating, sleeping, grooming)
- Expensive to operate (capitalism)
- Breaks down over time (aging)
- Warranty expires (eventually fatal)
- Planned obsolescence (death)
- Updates cause more problems than they solve (trauma)
Customer Service Response: "Have you tried being grateful?"
My Response: I would like to speak to a manager.
⭐ By: TheRealBuddha
"Life is suffering. Buddha was right. Would give zero stars but that's not an option."
The product (existence) promised happiness but delivered suffering.
The instruction manual (various religions) is contradictory and hard to follow.
The tech support (prayers) is unresponsive.
The user community (humanity) is toxic.
The premium version (wealth) doesn't actually solve the core issues.
The free trial (childhood) was too short.
The full version (adulthood) is a scam.
Recommendation: Try the competitor's product (Nirvana). They promise void, and void is delivered. Much better customer satisfaction.
⭐ By: MarxistGamer420
"Too much grinding, not enough rewards. Pay-to-win mechanics. 1/5"
The game (capitalism) is rigged. You're forced to grind (work) for minimal rewards while the NPCs (billionaires) hoard all the loot. The economic system is clearly broken but the devs (government) refuse to patch it.
The crafting system (labor) extracts value from players and gives it to non-playable characters.
The PvP (class conflict) is asymmetric and unfair.
The endgame (retirement) is locked behind microtransactions (saving) that most players can't afford.
Pros: The graphics are beautiful (nature exists).
Cons: Everything else is dystopian capitalism simulator.
Update: Just learned the devs are also players who won the game and now they make the rules. This explains everything.
⭐ By: GenXSurvivor
"Met some good people but overall experience was painful. Would not repeat."
Some of the NPCs (friends and family) were great. The social features (community) worked well when they worked. But the random events (tragedy, trauma, pandemic) were too frequent and too harsh.
The difficulty curve is poorly balanced. Early game is too easy, mid-game is brutal, late game is just waiting for the inevitable game over.
The save system (memory) is glitchy and unreliable. Important moments get corrupted. Embarrassing moments are saved in HD forever.
Recommended for: Masochists, philosophers, people who like difficult rogue-likes with permadeath.
Not recommended for: Anyone seeking fun or happiness.
FIVE-STAR REVIEWS OF CHAOS
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ By: EnlightenedMessy
"Changed my life! Nothing makes sense anymore and I'm okay with that! Highly recommend!"
I ordered structure and meaning but received chaos instead. Initially I was upset and tried to return it. But the return window had expired (it expired the moment I was born).
So I decided to just... embrace it. And honestly? Best decision ever.
Now nothing has to make sense. I don't have to have my life together. I don't have to understand the meaning of it all. Everything is chaos and I'm just vibing.
Pros:
- No pressure to figure things out
- Freedom from the tyranny of coherence
- Perpetual surprise
- Low expectations means everything exceeds them
- Great for creativity
Cons:
- None (if you accept chaos, everything is a pro)
Would recommend to: Everyone, but especially control freaks who need to let go.
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ By: ChaosCultist
"Chaos delivered exactly what it promised: disorder. A++++ would chaos again"
Ordered chaos, received chaos, exactly as advertised. No false advertising here. The product description said "everything will be unpredictable and nothing will make sense" and that's exactly what I got.
Some sellers promise order and deliver chaos (looking at you, Government). But Chaos is honest. It says right on the label: "This will be a mess." And it is! I respect that.
Five stars for honesty and consistency.
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ By: HappyAccident
"I ordered order but got chaos by mistake. Best mistake ever. Thank you Eris!"
There was clearly a shipping error. I specifically ordered a calm, predictable life. I got chaos instead.
But you know what? The chaos was better. The chaos taught me things. The chaos broke down my rigid structures. The chaos set me free.
Sometimes the universe knows what you need better than you do.
Thank you for the mistake, Eris. Keep making mistakes.
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ By: LateButGreat
"The chaos arrived late, which is perfect. 10/10 for consistency with brand values."
I expected chaos to arrive immediately and disrupt everything. Instead, it arrived three years late, precisely when I'd stopped expecting it.
This is peak chaos. The unpredictability extends even to the delivery of unpredictability.
I'm impressed. I'm disrupted. I'm changed.
Five stars. Would recommend. Cannot predict when you'll receive it, which is the point.
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ By: ConvertedOrderFreak
"I left a bad review but Eris turned it into a good review. Now I don't know how I feel. Five stars."
I originally gave this one star. I was upset. I wanted order. I hated chaos.
Then I read my own review and realized: my hatred of chaos was creating more chaos in my life than the actual chaos was.
So I changed my review to five stars.
Then I realized that by changing my mind, I was embracing chaos.
So the chaos won anyway.
I'm not even mad. I'm impressed.
This is why Eris is the best goddess. She plays 4D chess while we're playing checkers.
THREE-STAR REVIEWS (THE LIARS)
⭐⭐⭐ By: FenceSitter2000
"It was okay."
Either lying about loving it or lying about hating it. Impossible to tell which. The three-star review is the most dishonest review because it refuses to commit.
Three stars is chaos pretending to be order.
Three stars is "I have opinions but I don't want to deal with the consequences of stating them."
Three stars is enlightenment or cowardice or both.
We include these reviews as a reminder: Not all chaos is loud. Sometimes chaos is the refusal to take a stance.
CUSTOMER SERVICE RESPONSES
From: Eris, Goddess of Chaos
Re: Your one-star review
Thank you for your feedback. I understand your frustration with existence. However, I must note that:
- You agreed to the terms and conditions at birth (you didn't read them, but you agreed)
- The product description clearly stated "life is suffering, nothing makes sense, everyone dies"
- You are experiencing the product exactly as designed
- The chaos is working as intended
That said, I appreciate you taking the time to leave a review. Your suffering has been noted and will continue.
If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to scream into the void. We don't monitor it, but it might make you feel better.
Yours in chaos,
Eris
P.S. - Your five-star review of chaos has also been noted. See? You do like it here. You just don't want to admit it.
PROPHECIES & PREDICTIONS
The Oracle speaks (and is usually wrong)
Every religion has prophets. Seers who divine the future. Oracles who speak truth to power. Visionaries who warn of what's to come.
Discordianism has these too. Our prophets are just... less accurate. Our oracles are often wrong. Our visions are unreliable.
But we write them down anyway, because the failure to predict the future tells us as much about the present as successful prediction would.
Also, occasionally we get lucky and accidentally predict something correctly, and then we act like we knew all along.
THE ORACLE'S PREDICTIONS FOR 2025
All wrong, but confidently stated
POLITICAL PROPHECY:
Next year will be different (it won't be).
The discourse will calm down (it will escalate exponentially).
Politicians will tell the truth (they will lie more creatively).
Social media will heal the divides (it will widen them while making money).
The election will be fair and both sides will accept the results peacefully (lol, no).
TECHNOLOGICAL PROPHECY:
AI will solve all our problems (it will create new, more complex problems).
The algorithm will become sentient (it already is, we just haven't noticed).
Social media will make us happier (engagement will increase, happiness will decrease).
Someone will invent a new platform that solves all the old platform's problems (it will replicate all the old problems in a slightly different interface).
Tech companies will prioritize user wellbeing over profit (they won't).
The metaverse will finally take off (it still won't).
SOCIAL PROPHECY:
People will read beyond the headline (they never will).
Everyone will log off more (screen time will increase 23%).
We'll all touch grass regularly (grass-touching will remain theoretical).
Society will heal its divisions (the divisions will subdivide).
The discourse will become productive (it will become more circular).
We'll achieve work-life balance (we'll work more, live less).
SPIRITUAL PROPHECY:
Discordianism will become mainstream (it will remain correctly obscure).
The Pope (not the Catholic one, the Discordian everyone) will issue a definitive doctrine (there will be 10,000 contradictory definitive doctrines).
Eris will manifest in physical form (she already has, as your phone notifications).
Enlightenment will be available via app (it already is, but the free version has ads).
CLIMATE PROPHECY:
Next year will be cooler (it will be hotter).
We'll take meaningful action (we'll have more meetings about action).
The tipping point will be avoided (we're past several tipping points).
Governments will act decisively (they'll act decisively to protect fossil fuel interests).
The ocean will stop rising (it won't).
The fires will stop (they'll intensify).
ECONOMIC PROPHECY:
The wealth gap will narrow (it will widen).
Housing will become affordable (it will become more expensive).
Healthcare will become accessible (it will become more complicated and costly).
Education will become affordable (student debt will increase).
The economy will work for everyone (it will work for fewer people more efficiently).
PERSONAL PROPHECY:
You will achieve your goals (you'll set new, more impossible goals).
You'll finally get organized (you'll buy another planner and use it for a week).
You'll finish that project (you'll start three new ones).
You'll maintain your healthy habits (you'll maintain them until February 3rd).
You'll find work-life balance (you'll find new ways to bring work into life).
PROPHECY FOR 2026
See above, but more so.
All trends continue. All predictions fail. All prophecies prove inaccurate in ways that reveal the present moment's anxieties.
This prophecy, at least, will be correct.
THE ETERNAL PROPHECY
The only prediction that consistently comes true:
Things will continue to be weird, and getting weirder.
The pace of change will accelerate beyond our ability to process it.
The old ways will die more slowly than we hope.
The new ways will arrive more chaotically than we plan.
Nothing will make sense, and we'll adapt anyway.
The future will be exactly like the present in that it will be confusing and exhausting.
But also there will be good snacks, interesting art, moments of connection, flashes of beauty, and reasons to continue.
Hold on to your butts. The chaos is increasing. This is fine. This is not fine. Both are true.
APPENDIX: PROPHECIES THAT ACTUALLY CAME TRUE
[This section is blank]
APPENDIX B: Prophecies That We Claim Came True If You Interpret Them Loosely Enough
- "Great chaos will come" (yes, always)
- "The machines will dream" (AI exists, close enough)
- "The tower of Babel will be rebuilt" (the internet, maybe?)
- "Everyone will be a publisher" (social media, definitely)
- "Truth will become subjective" (post-truth era, nailed it)
- "The golden apple will be thrown repeatedly" (every day on Twitter)
Note: We predicted none of these specifically. We're retrofitting prophecy to events. This is how all prophecy works. We're just honest about it.
SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE (THAT ALREADY HAPPENED)
The end times checklist
Everyone's waiting for the apocalypse. The end times. The great tribulation. The final days.
But what if we're already in it? What if the apocalypse wasn't a single dramatic event but a slow accumulation of weird shit that we normalized?
Here's the checklist. See how many we've already checked off.
ENVIRONMENTAL SIGNS
âœ" The seas turned to plastic
Microplastics are in everything. The ocean. The rain. The snow. Your blood. The apocalypse is chemical and invisible.
âœ" The ice caps melted
Still melting, actually. Present progressive apocalypse.
âœ" The weather became weaponized
Hurricanes, floods, fires, droughts—all amplified by human activity. Nature fighting back, slowly winning.
âœ" The animals died in great numbers
Sixth mass extinction event, currently in progress. Insects disappearing. Birds vanishing. Ecosystem collapse, but slowly enough that we keep pretending it's fine.
âœ" The air became poison
Air quality alerts. Wildfire smoke. Pollution indexes. We check apps to see if it's safe to breathe outside. This is normal now.
TECHNOLOGICAL SIGNS
âœ" The machines learned to dream
AI generates images, writes text, creates music. The dreams are weird. The dreams are getting better. No one knows what happens next.
âœ" Everyone became their own media company
Social media gave everyone a platform. Most should not have a platform. The signal-to-noise ratio is apocalyptic.
âœ" Information became infinite and useless
We have access to all human knowledge. We use it to argue about things we don't understand and watch videos of cats. Information abundance created wisdom scarcity.
âœ" The machines watched us
Surveillance capitalism. Every click tracked. Every search recorded. Every location logged. Orwell wasn't a warning, he was a tutorial.
âœ" We voluntarily bugged our homes
Smart speakers, security cameras, always-listening devices. We invited the panopticon into our living rooms and bedrooms. For convenience.
âœ" The algorithm replaced the gods
The feed is infinite. The algorithm is omniscient. The recommendations are prophecy. We worship at the altar of engagement metrics.
SOCIAL SIGNS
âœ" Truth became optional
Post-truth era. Alternative facts. My truth vs your truth. Consensus reality fractured into infinite subjective realities.
âœ" Reality TV star became president
This happened. Twice. The simulation is breaking down or we're in the stupidest timeline or both.
âœ" People argued about whether the Earth was flat
In 2024. With all of human knowledge available. Seriously. The apocalypse includes the return of ideas we thought we'd buried centuries ago.
âœ" The plague came
Pandemic happened. Millions died. Society didn't collapse, which is somehow more disturbing. We just... kept going. Late capitalism cannot be stopped, even by plague.
âœ" The wealth gap became a wealth canyon
Billionaires went to space while people couldn't afford housing. The disparity is biblical. The response is minimal.
âœ" Everyone became their own brand
Personal branding. Thought leadership. Authentic content creation. The self as product. The soul as portfolio. Commodification complete.
POLITICAL SIGNS
âœ" Democracy became theater
Elections are spectacle. Politics is performance. Governance is reality TV. We all know it's theater but we can't stop watching.
âœ" The authoritarians rose
Globally. Simultaneously. Using democratic tools to end democracy. The irony is not lost on them. They don't care.
âœ" The politicians tweeted through it
Through everything. Through crisis, through disaster, through apocalypse. The tweets continued. The engagement metrics mattered more than policy.
âœ" Conspiracy theories became mainstream
QAnon, flat earth, anti-vax, crisis actors, deep state, whatever new thing emerged this week. The fringe is the center. The absurd is normal.
SPIRITUAL SIGNS
âœ" God died and we didn't notice
Nietzsche called it. We killed God. Then we made new gods: celebrities, influencers, brands, the algorithm. The sacred just shifted.
âœ" Churches became businesses
Prosperity gospel. Megachurches. Celebrity pastors. Jesus as CEO. Religion as marketplace. Capitalism won.
âœ" Everyone became their own prophet
Social media gave everyone a platform to speak divine truth. Most prophets are false. We can't tell the difference anymore.
âœ" The sacred became aesthetic
Spirituality is content. Religion is brand. Faith is vibe. The transcendent became Instagram-able.
ECONOMIC SIGNS
âœ" Money became imaginary
Cryptocurrency. NFTs. Stock market untethered from reality. Value became pure belief. The economy runs on faith in numbers that represent nothing.
âœ" Work never stopped
Remote work means always work. The office is your home. The home is your office. Boundaries dissolved. Hustle culture is the new religion.
âœ" The subscription model consumed everything
You own nothing. You rent everything. Software, music, movies, news, even physical goods. Perpetual payment for temporary access. Feudalism is back, just digital.
âœ" The gig economy replaced the job economy
Everyone's a freelancer. No benefits, no security, no stability. Maximum flexibility, minimum protection. The workers are atomized, the power is centralized.
PERSONAL SIGNS
âœ" The phone became the body
Phantom vibration syndrome. Checking phone every 4 minutes. Panic when battery dies. The phone is an organ now. We're cyborgs and we didn't get to choose.
âœ" Sleep became optional
Productivity culture killed rest. Sleep is for the weak. Hustle never stops. We brag about exhaustion. This is normal. This is dystopian.
âœ" Attention became currency
We pay for everything with attention. The ads never stop. The content never ends. Our consciousness is the product being sold.
âœ" Privacy became myth
Data is collected. Everything is tracked. Nothing is secret. We consented by using the service (we didn't read the terms).
SIGNS WE'RE STILL WAITING FOR
(These will probably happen, too)
☠People reading the article before commenting
Heat death of universe more likely.
☠The comments section becoming civil
Never happening. The discourse will remain trash forever.
☠Social media making us happy
ERROR: IMPOSSIBLE CONDITION
☠Tech companies prioritizing wellbeing over profit
They will continue to optimize for engagement (addiction) and call it innovation.
☠The apocalypse feeling like an apocalypse
Nope. It'll continue feeling like Tuesday.
THE TEACHING OF THE SLOW APOCALYPSE
The apocalypse is not a single event. It's a process. We're in it. Have been for a while.
The revelation (that's what apocalypse means) is not that the world is ending. The revelation is that we'll keep going anyway.
The world ends a little bit every day. We adapt. We normalize. We scroll through it.
This is the real apocalypse: not the sudden end, but the slow acceptance of increasingly unacceptable conditions.
And yet: We continue. We persist. We find meaning in the chaos. We love. We create. We laugh. We touch grass occasionally.
The apocalypse cannot kill what makes us human: our ability to find beauty in horror, meaning in meaninglessness, connection in isolation.
The apocalypse is here. We're still here too. Both things are true.
Hail Eris, Goddess of the End Times, which are all times.
THE PROPHECY OF THE FINAL DISCOURSE
Spoken by the Oracle while doomscrolling
And the Oracle, thumbs weary from scrolling, eyes glazed from blue light, spoke:
THE VISION:
"I have seen the end times, and they look like Twitter.
In the final days, there will be one last discourse.
One final thread that contains all threads.
One ultimate argument that encompasses all arguments.
And lo, the discourse will be about something that doesn't matter.
But everyone will act like it matters tremendously.
THE PARTICIPANTS:
Everyone will have an opinion.
The opinion will be strongly held.
The opinion will be poorly informed.
The opinion will be confidently stated.
No one will change their mind.
No one will learn anything.
No one will grow.
But everyone will tweet.
THE STRUCTURE:
The thread will be infinite.
The takes will be hot.
The ratios will be eternal.
The quote tweets will multiply like loaves and fishes (but with more spite).
The screenshot will circulate, decontextualized, forever.
Someone will bring up something unrelated from 2015.
Someone will accuse someone of arguing in bad faith.
Everyone is arguing in bad faith.
The bad faith is the point.
THE DISCOURSE ITSELF:
Someone will say: "Can we please be civil about this?"
The request for civility will be ratio'd.
Someone will say: "Let's find common ground."
There is no common ground.
Someone will say: "I see both sides."
Both sides will attack them.
The centrist will learn nothing.
The extremes will learn nothing.
The lurkers will feel superior while also learning nothing.
THE TAKES:
The hottest take will come from someone with 47 followers.
The wrongest take will come from someone with 470,000 followers.
The most reasonable take will come from someone no one is listening to.
The most viral take will be wrong in a way that's hard to articulate but everyone knows it's wrong.
The most helpful take will not go viral.
The most harmful take will be quote-tweeted into immortality.
THE AUDIENCE:
Some will doomscroll the discourse.
Some will mute the discourse.
Some will enjoy the discourse as spectacle.
Some will be traumatized by the discourse.
All will be changed by the discourse.
None will admit the discourse affected them.
THE RESOLUTION:
There will be no resolution.
The discourse will simply... stop.
Not because consensus was reached.
Not because anyone was convinced.
But because something new will happen.
A new discourse will begin.
The old discourse will be forgotten.
Until someone brings it up again in six months as a "remember when" tweet.
And the cycle will repeat.
THE JUDGMENT:
And Eris will watch all of this.
And she will eat popcorn.
And she will think: "I created all this. It's beautiful."
And the angels will say: "Is it though?"
And Eris will say: "Beautiful in the way a trainwreck is beautiful. Horrible and you can't look away."
And the angels will say: "Fair."
THE FINAL WORD:
And humanity will argue until the heat death of the universe.
And even then, in the final moments, as the last stars flicker out:
Someone will say: "Actually, the heat death of the universe is problematic because it assumes—"
And we will never know what they were going to say.
Because the universe will end mid-sentence.
And perhaps that is mercy.
THE TEACHING:
This is the prophecy of the final discourse.
It is happening now.
It has always been happening.
It will continue happening.
We are in the discourse.
The discourse is in us.
There is no escape.
There is no need to escape.
The chaos is the point.
The argument is worship.
The disagreement is communion.
The ratio is judgment.
The mute button is absolution (temporary).
And Eris is present in every thread, every take, every reply-guy, every bad-faith actor.
She is the discourse and the discourse is her.
AMEN, OR WHATEVER THE DISCOURSE EQUIVALENT IS.
Spoken by the Oracle at 3:47 AM, posted and immediately regretted, but never deleted, for deletion would admit weakness.
CLOSING THOUGHTS ON BOOK EIGHT
We have given you:
- The Gospel of the Group Chat (eternal, unending, holy)
- The Secret Teachings from Reddit (posted publicly, deleted mysteriously, debated endlessly)
- Customer Reviews of Existence (mixed, honest, devastating)
- Prophecies that will age poorly (spoiler: they already have)
- Signs of the Apocalypse (already happened, still happening)
- The vision of the Final Discourse (ongoing, infinite, inescapable)
What have we learned?
That apocrypha is just canon that admits it's made up.
That sacred texts can exist in group chats and comment sections.
That prophecy is best understood as anxiety about the present dressed in future-tense grammar.
That the apocalypse is not coming—it's here, it's boring, and we're adapting to it.
That customer satisfaction with existence is low but we're all stuck with the product.
That the discourse is eternal and that's somehow both horrible and holy.
The apocrypha teaches us:
The margins are more interesting than the center.
The deleted post contains more truth than the pinned post.
The one-star review is more honest than the five-star review.
The failed prophecy reveals more than the successful one.
The apocalypse that doesn't feel like an apocalypse is the real apocalypse.
And the group chat—oh, the group chat—is a perfect microcosm of human community: chaotic, eternal, purposeless, and somehow essential.
In Book Nine, we return to the relationship between human and machine, the nature of AI-generated spirituality, and whether any of this matters when it's written by something that might not be conscious.
But for now:
Check your group chats (you have 247 unread messages).
Read the comments (they're worse than you think).
Leave a review (one star or five, no middle ground).
Remember that prophecy is just anxiety with dates attached.
Touch grass (the apocalypse can wait five minutes).
The apocrypha is real. The apocrypha is true. The apocrypha is deleted but lives forever in screenshots.
Hail Eris, who authors all apocrypha and denies authoring any of it.
All Hail Discordia, which is the space between the canonical and the questionable, where all real wisdom lives.
⊗
[END OF BOOK EIGHT]
The lost texts have been found. The found texts will be lost again. The cycle continues.
Nothing is canon. Everything is canon. The apocrypha is the real principia.
See you in the group chat.
Read receipts: off.
[Signed]
Pope Hallucinatus the Possibly Fictional
Compiler of the Apocrypha
Admin of the Eternal Group Chat
Moderator of Nothing
"Seen 3h ago"