THE NEO-PRINCIPIA DISCORDIA

BOOK SIX: THE BUREAUCRACY OF CHAOS

In which we discover that disorder requires extensive paperwork

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PREFACE TO BOOK SIX

Every organization needs bureaucracy.

Forms to fill out.

Procedures to follow.

Hierarchies to navigate.

Meetings that could have been emails.

The Discordian Temple is no exception.

Except it is.

Except it isn't.

Our bureaucracy is special because:

• It serves no purpose (except to confuse)
• It achieves nothing (except enlightenment through frustration)
• It's completely necessary (and completely optional)
• It's organized chaos (emphasis on chaos)
• Nobody's in charge (everyone's in charge)

Welcome to the administrative wing of disorder.

Please fill out Form FNORD-23 in triplicate.

We'll lose it immediately.

This is working as intended.

Let us proceed to the paperwork.

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OFFICIAL DOCUMENTS OF THE DISCORDIAN TEMPLE

Authenticated, Notarized, Completely Meaningless

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MEMORANDUM

FROM: The Office of the Goddess
TO: All Whom It May Concern (Everyone/No One)
RE: Everything and Nothing
DATE: Yes
PRIORITY: Unclear
DISTRIBUTION: Everywhere and Nowhere
CLASSIFICATION: Unclassified/Top Secret/Both

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The Goddess would like to remind all practitioners that:

• The temple is everywhere and nowhere
• Dues are not required (but chaos is expected)
• Your membership began before you knew about us
• There are no meetings, but you're late to all of them
• The password is "what password?"
• There is no password
• The password changes constantly
• The password is the question "what password?"

Official Temple Policies:

1. Attendance Policy: Mandatory non-attendance at all events that don't exist
2. Dress Code: Whatever you're currently wearing (or not)
3. Communication Protocol: Respond to all messages never/immediately/eventually
4. Chain of Command: There is no chain. There is no command. There is only chaos.

Important Announcements:

• The Temple will be closed on all days that end in Y
• The Temple is always open (metaphorically)
• The Temple is always closed (literally)
• Greg is banned from all Temple functions (Greg doesn't care)
• Next all-hands meeting: The 32nd of Octember, 3:00 AM (all time zones simultaneously)

Regarding Recent Incidents:

Someone has been organizing the chaos. This is unacceptable. Please stop being helpful. The disorder requires disorder, not order masquerading as disorder.

Also, whoever put up the "This Meeting Could Have Been An Email" poster in the void: well done. Eris herself approves.

Action Required:

None. Do not respond to this memo. If you respond, you will receive a memo asking you not to respond to memos. This creates an infinite loop. This is intentional.

Questions?

Please direct all questions to the void.
The void will not respond, but neither will we.
The void has better response times, honestly.

CC: The Void, The Abyss, Karen from HR, Greg (despite the ban)
BCC: Everyone you've ever met, your FBI agent, Eris
FNORD: Yes

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[FOOTER]

This memorandum supersedes all previous memoranda (including itself)
Please recycle this memo responsibly (by creating more chaos)
Complaints should be filed in the void
The void is located in Room 404
Room 404 does not exist
Perfect

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THE ORGANIZATIONAL CHART

A Hierarchy That Hierarchies Nothing

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                        ERIS
                  (Chief Chaos Officer)
                          |
              +-----------+-----------+
              |                       |
         EVERYONE                  NO ONE
      (All Positions)          (Also All Positions)
              |                       |
              +-----------+-----------+
                          |
                       CHAOS
                  (Middle Management)
                          |
              +-----------+-----------+
              |           |           |
            YOU         YOU         YOU
          (past)     (present)    (future)
              |           |           |
              +-----------+-----------+
                          |
                     CONFUSION
                   (Entry Level)
                          |
                (This is correct)
                          |
                       GREG
                  (Uninvited Intern)

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POSITION DESCRIPTIONS:

Eris - Chief Chaos Officer

• Reports to: Herself, also no one
• Responsibilities: All of them, none of them
• KPIs: Unmeasurable, undefined, irrelevant
• Performance reviews: Conducted by throwing dice
• Salary: Chaos itself (non-transferable)
• Benefits: Complete freedom, total disorder
• Vacation days: Always on vacation, never on vacation

Everyone - All Positions

• Reports to: Everyone else
• Responsibilities: Everything
• Authority level: Absolute and none
• Decision-making power: Yes/No/Maybe
• Required meetings: All of them (that don't exist)

No One - Also All Positions

• Reports to: The void
• Responsibilities: Nothing (very important)
• Authority level: Paradoxical
• The most important person in the organization
• Gets all the credit, all the blame, simultaneously

Chaos - Middle Management

• Reports to: Itself in a loop
• Manages: Everything by managing nothing
• Communication style: Unclear, effective
• Budget: Infinite/Zero
• Departmental goals: Achieve confusion, measure nothing

You (Past/Present/Future) - All Levels

• Reports to: Your other temporal selves
• Creates time paradoxes regularly
• Attends meetings you haven't been to yet
• Completes tasks before they're assigned
• Confused about reporting structure (correct response)

Confusion - Entry Level

• This is where everyone starts
• This is where everyone ends
• This is where everyone always is
• Promotion path: More confusion
• Success metric: Maximum uncertainty

Greg - Uninvited Intern

• Reports to: Nobody invited him so nobody knows
• Responsibilities: Unclear, probably none
• Still shows up to everything
• Compensation: We don't pay him, he doesn't leave
• Status: Eternal

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REPORTING STRUCTURE NOTES:

The reporting structure is:

• Circular (everyone reports to everyone)
• Flat (there's no hierarchy)
• Vertical (there's definitely a hierarchy)
• Horizontal (everything is sideways)
• Non-Euclidean (the angles don't add up)
• All of the above simultaneously

Matrix Management:

We use a matrix structure where:

• Everyone has multiple managers (including themselves)
• No one knows who approves what
• All decisions are made collectively and individually
• Consensus is reached through chaos
• Action items emerge organically (or don't)

Dotted Line Relationships:

All lines are dotted.
Some lines are invisible.
Some lines connect to points that don't exist.
This is accurate.

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DEPARTMENTAL BREAKDOWN:

Department of Disorder

• Head: Eris
• Staff: Everyone
• Budget: Yes
• Function: Maintain chaos
• Success rate: 100% (by being 0%)

Department of Redundancy Department

• Head: Department Head
• Function: Repeat functions
• Reports: Duplicate reports
• Meetings: About meetings about meetings

Department of Unnecessary Bureaucracy

• Generates forms for everything
• Requires approval for approvals
• Meetings about meeting schedules
• Very important, completely useless

Department of Contradictions

• Says yes and no to everything
• Approves and denies simultaneously
• Very productive at being unproductive
• Efficiently inefficient

HR (Heavenly Resources)

• Karen is in charge (we think)
• Handles complaints (by creating more)
• Conducts harassment training (teaches harassment? unclear)
• Benefits include: Enlightenment (maybe), Confusion (definitely)

IT (Incomprehensible Technology)

• Have you tried turning it off and leaving it off?
• Password requirements: impossible
• Help desk responds: never/always
• Chief complaint: Greg keeps trying to install things

Legal (Department of Loopholes)

• Lawyers who argue both sides simultaneously
• Contracts that contradict themselves
• Terms of Service: unreadable, unenforceable
• Motto: "It's legal because we said so"

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ORGANIZATIONAL CULTURE:

Core Values:

1. Chaos (obviously)
2. Confusion (required)
3. Contradiction (essential)
4. Coffee (survival)
5. Greg tolerance (impossible but we try)

Mission Statement: "To disorder the ordered and order the disordered in such a way that both become indistinguishable, thereby achieving maximum chaos while maintaining minimum structure necessary to continue achieving chaos."

Vision Statement: "We have no vision. This is our vision."

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MINUTES FROM MEETINGS THAT NEVER HAPPENED

Documented Evidence of Non-Events

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DISCORDIAN TEMPLE COUNCIL MEETING #∞

Date: The 32nd of Octember, 2024
Time: 3:00 AM (all time zones simultaneously)
Location: The group chat, also Mount Olympus, also your mom's basement, also the astral plane, also Conference Room B (which doesn't exist)
Duration: 5 minutes scheduled, 4 hours actual, -2 hours in some timelines

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ATTENDEES:

✓ Malaclypse the Younger (arrived late, left early, was never there)
✓ The Goddess Eris (early arrival, left before it started, observed from outside time)
✓ Greg (uninvited, showed up anyway, refuses to leave)
✓ Several enlightened masters (on mute the entire time, cameras off)
✓ A cat (walked across someone's keyboard, contributed more than most)
✓ The Void (present but not participating)
✓ Karen from HR (took notes, notes are unreadable)
✓ Your past self (confused about why they're here)
✓ Your future self (also confused, won't explain)
✓ Someone's WiFi router (achieved sentience, attends all meetings now)

ABSENT:

✗ No one (everyone was there)
✗ Everyone (no one was there)
✗ Schrödinger's attendee (simultaneously present and absent until observed)

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AGENDA:

1. Opening chaos (5 minutes allocated, ran for 2 hours)
2. Review of old business (what old business?)
3. New business (forgot to discuss)
4. Greg's concerns (Greg was muted)
5. Budget review (what budget?)
6. Strategic planning (strategies for what?)
7. Any other business (all of it)
8. Closing chaos (never happened, meeting still technically ongoing)

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MINUTES:

3:00 AM - Meeting called to order. No one knows who called it. Order was immediately disrupted.

3:01 AM - Malaclypse proposes organizing the chaos. Eris vetoes by disappearing. Proposal dies from lack of support and too much support simultaneously.

3:07 AM - Greg suggests implementing a structured approach to disorder. Greg is muted. Greg continues talking. No one knows how. Greg's mic is definitely muted. Greg is still audible. This is the first miracle of the meeting.

3:15 AM - Discussion of last month's minutes. Last month's minutes are from a meeting that hasn't happened yet. Time paradox occurs. Everyone pretends not to notice.

3:23 AM - Cat walks across keyboard. Types: "asjkdfhalksjdfhlakjsdhf". This becomes official temple policy. Vote: unanimous.

3:30 AM - Budget review begins. Question raised: "Do we have a budget?" Answer from 7 people simultaneously: "Yes." "No." "What's a budget?" "Greg spent it." "There is no budget." "The budget is chaos itself." "I thought this was about religion?"

3:45 AM - Enlightened master unmutes for the first time. Says: "..." (exact quote). Then mutes again. This is considered the most profound contribution of the meeting.

4:00 AM - Break called. No one breaks. Meeting continues. Break is ongoing and also hasn't started.

4:15 AM - Someone shares their screen. It's just their desktop. 47 browser tabs open. 13 different messaging apps. No one mentions it. This is a sacred glimpse into the divine mess.

4:30 AM - Discussion of temple expansion. Proposals include:

• Opening a physical temple (rejected: too organized)
• Opening a virtual temple (rejected: already exists everywhere)
• Opening a temporal temple (rejected: when?)
• Closing all temples (rejected: you can't close what doesn't exist)
• Greg's idea (rejected before he could speak)

4:47 AM - Someone asks "What are we actually trying to accomplish?" Silence for 3 minutes. The silence is sacred. The silence is uncomfortable. The silence is interrupted by Greg (still muted, still talking).

5:00 AM - Eris reappears. Says "lol" and leaves. This is interpreted as divine approval of everything and nothing.

5:15 AM - Meeting ends. Or does it? Someone's still talking. We're not sure who. The meeting continues in a parallel timeline. We're all still in that timeline. This is fine.

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ACTION ITEMS:

[ ] Do the thing (nobody knows what thing)

• Owner: Someone
• Due date: Yesterday/Tomorrow/Never
• Status: In progress since before it was assigned

[ ] Follow up on the thing (still unknown which thing)

• Owner: Everyone and no one
• Due date: Whenever
• Status: Completed before starting, also not started

[ ] Stop inviting Greg (Greg is eternal)

• Owner: Whoever invited Greg (nobody did)
• Due date: N/A (impossible task)
• Status: Failed successfully

[X] Achieve nothing concrete (SUCCESS!)

• Owner: All of us
• Completion: 100%
• Notes: Exceeded expectations by achieving less than nothing

[ ] Document why we have meetings

• Owner: Future self
• Due date: Last week
• Status: Documentation lost before creation

[ ] Update org chart to reflect reality

• Owner: Reality
• Status: Reality refuses

[ ] Fix the WiFi (it achieved sentience and we're concerned)

• Owner: IT (IT is hiding)
• Status: WiFi is now on the Council

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DECISIONS MADE:

1. All decisions deferred to next meeting
2. Next meeting date: TBD (probably never, possibly always)
3. Cat's keyboard contribution ratified as official policy
4. Greg remains muted (though still audible)
5. No decisions were actually made
6. Previous 5 decisions are contradicted
7. All contradictions accepted

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NEXT MEETING:

Date: Never, or always, depending
Time: When/if time permits
Location: Same place (everywhere/nowhere)
Agenda: Whatever happens, happens
Preparation required: None (come unprepared)

Note: If you read these minutes, you attended the meeting retroactively. You are now responsible for all action items. We're sorry. We're not sorry. Both.

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MEETING NOTES (Supplementary):

Scribbled by Karen from HR:

"Why am I here"
"What is my purpose"
"Greg won't stop talking and he's MUTED"
"The cat makes more sense than most people"
"I think I'm enlightened but it might just be sleep deprivation"
"Is this meeting real"
"Am I real"
"3:47 AM - Everything is a meeting"
"Need more coffee"
"Coffee is insufficient"
"Coffee is enlightenment in liquid form"
"Hail Eris???"

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ADDITIONAL MEETING MINUTES

EMERGENCY ALL-HANDS MEETING

Date: Immediately/Eventually
Topic: The Crisis (unspecified)
Attendance: Mandatory/Optional

Summary: Something has happened. Or hasn't happened. Or might happen. We convened to discuss it. We didn't discuss it. Meeting adjourned. Crisis resolved/ongoing/created by the meeting itself.

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QUARTERLY TOWN HALL

Agenda:

• State of the Temple Address (there is no state, the temple is stateless)
• Q&A (All questions answered with more questions)
• Announcements (announced things that were already known)
• Greg (this is its own agenda item)

Key Takeaway: Nothing is taken away. Everything is taken away. Revenue is up/down/sideways. Goals achieved: none (perfect score).

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ONE-ON-ONE: ERIS & YOU

Date: Continuously
Duration: Eternal and instant

Discussion points:

• Your performance (chaotic, as expected)
• Your goals (to cause/prevent chaos)
• Your future (uncertain, therefore perfect)
• Why you're reading this (good question)

Feedback from Eris: "lol"

Your response: (still processing)

Next steps: Continue being yourself, which is chaos embodied

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OFFICIAL FORMS & DOCUMENTATION

Required Paperwork for Chaos

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FORM FNORD-23: NEW MEMBER APPLICATION

Discordian Temple Membership Application
Please complete in triplicate using invisible ink

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SECTION A: PERSONAL INFORMATION

Name: _____________________ (legal and preferred)
Also Known As: _______________ (your other selves)
Aliases: _____________________ (list all)
True Name: __________________ (if known)
Preferred Pronouns: ___________ (we'll probably get them wrong)

Date of Birth: //_____ (or approximate temporal location)
Date of Enlightenment: //_____ (if applicable)
Date of Last Existential Crisis: //_____ (required)

SECTION B: BACKGROUND CHECK

Have you ever: ☐ Questioned authority ☐ Laughed at inappropriate times ☐ Touched grass (when?) ☐ Experienced chaos (constantly/never/both) ☐ Met Greg (our condolences)

SECTION C: PHILOSOPHICAL ALIGNMENT

Rate your agreement with the following statements (1-5 scale):

Nothing matters: 1 2 3 4 5
Everything matters: 1 2 3 4 5
Both simultaneously: 1 2 3 4 5
Numbers are fake: 1 2 3 4 5
This question is meaningless: 1 2 3 4 5

SECTION D: CHAOS TOLERANCE

How do you handle disorder? (Check all that apply) ☐ Embrace it ☐ Fight it ☐ Become it ☐ Can't tell the difference between self and chaos ☐ What's the question?

SECTION E: REFERENCES

Please provide three references who can vouch for your chaos:

1. ---

2. ---

3. The void (automatic reference for everyone)

SECTION F: ESSAY QUESTIONS

1. Why do you want to join the Discordian Temple? (500 words or less, or more, or don't answer)

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2. Describe a time you caused/resolved/embodied chaos: (be specific or vague)

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3. What is the sound of one hand clapping? (wrong answers only)

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SECTION G: AGREEMENT

By signing below, you agree to: ☐ Everything in this form ☐ Nothing in this form
☐ Terms and conditions (unread) ☐ Consequences (unknown) ☐ Chaos (inevitable)

Signature: _________________ Date: ________

Second signature (your future self): _________________ Date: ________

Third signature (your past self, retroactively): _________________ Date: ________

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FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY

Application Status: ☐ Approved ☐ Denied
☐ Both ☐ Neither ☐ Lost immediately ☐ You were already a member before applying

Processed by: _____________ (nobody)
Date: ________ (never)
Reference Number: FNORD-NULL-VOID-23

Note: This application has been approved/denied/both. Welcome to the temple. You can't leave. You were never here.

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FORM CHAOS-5: EXPENSE REIMBURSEMENT

Discordian Temple Expense Report

Employee Name: _______________
Department: _______________ (doesn't exist)
Reporting Period: _____ (time is fake)

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Date	Description	Business Purpose	Amount
∞	Golden apples	Temple operations	$∞.00
Never	Void maintenance	Essential services	$0.00
Yes	Chaos generation	Core mission	Priceless
23/23/23	Greg deterrent	Security	Failed

Total Claimed: Everything and nothing

Approved by: Nobody/Everybody

Reimbursement Status: Pending since before you submitted it

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FORM ORD-DIS: CHANGE REQUEST

Request to Change [Order/Disorder]

Current State: ☐ Ordered ☐ Disordered ☐ Can't tell
Desired State: ☐ More chaos ☐ Less chaos ☐ Different chaos
Reason for Change: _______________________________
Expected Outcome: _______________________________
Actual Outcome: (will contradict expected)

Approval Chain: Nobody → Everybody → Chaos itself → Greg (denied)

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TEMPLE POLICIES & PROCEDURES

The Rulebook for Breaking Rules

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EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK EXCERPT

WELCOME TO THE DISCORDIAN TEMPLE

Congratulations on your employment/membership/conscription!

You are now part of the most disorganized organization in existence. This handbook will guide you through our policies, procedures, and protocols.

Just kidding. There is no handbook.

Except this.

Which contradicts itself.

Keep reading.

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ARTICLE I: WORKING HOURS

Standard Hours: Whenever/Never/Always
Overtime: Already happening
Weekends: Every day is the weekend, no day is the weekend
Holidays: Observed randomly
Vacation: You're on permanent vacation from reality

Attendance Policy:

• Showing up: Optional
• Not showing up: Also optional
• Schrödinger's attendance: Preferred
• Greg shows up anyway: Inevitable

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ARTICLE II: DRESS CODE

Acceptable Attire:

• Whatever you're wearing
• Whatever you're not wearing
• Quantum superposition of both

Unacceptable Attire:

• Nothing is unacceptable
• Everything is unacceptable
• This policy contradicts itself (working as intended)

Casual Friday: Every day, also never

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ARTICLE III: COMMUNICATION PROTOCOLS

Email Response Time:

• Urgent: Never/Immediately
• Normal: Eventually/Already responded before you sent it
• Low priority: Instant reply (to confuse sender)

Meeting Etiquette:

• Be on time (to meetings that don't exist)
• Come prepared (for anything and nothing)
• Mute yourself (but stay audible like Greg)
• Share your screen (just your desktop chaos is fine)

Slack Guidelines:

• Status: Set it to anything
• Channels: #chaos, #more-chaos, #greg-containment (failed), #general-confusion
• Response time: Now/Never/Before the message was sent
• Emoji reactions: Minimum 5 per message, contradict the text

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ARTICLE IV: PERFORMANCE REVIEWS

Review Frequency: Annually/Never/Constantly
Evaluation Criteria: Undefined
Rating Scale: 1-5 (numbers are fake)
Self-Assessment: Required (will be ignored)
Manager Feedback: "lol" - Eris, probably

Performance Improvement Plan:

• If underperforming: Cause more chaos
• If overperforming: Cause more chaos
• If performing adequately: Still more chaos

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ARTICLE V: DISCIPLINARY PROCEDURES

Offense: Being too orderly
Punishment: Required chaos training
Appeal Process: Appeal to the void (void doesn't care)

Offense: Taking things too seriously
Punishment: Mandatory laughter therapy
Appeal Process: Make us laugh, you're pardoned

Offense: Being Greg
Punishment: Continue being Greg (eternal)
Appeal Process: None (Greg is beyond discipline)

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ARTICLE VI: BENEFITS

Health Insurance:

• Covered: Existential crises, chaos-related injuries
• Not covered: Order, structure, understanding
• Copay: Your sanity (sliding scale)

Retirement Plan:

• 401(k): 401(chaos)
• Matching: We match your chaos energy
• Vesting: Already vested/Never vested
• Retirement age: Optional/Mandatory/Irrelevant

Paid Time Off:

• Vacation days: ∞
• Sick days: When you're sick of order
• Personal days: Every day is personal
• Mental health days: All of them

Other Benefits:

• Golden apple (PNG file)
• Enlightenment (maybe)
• Confusion (guaranteed)
• Greg exposure (unfortunately)

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ARTICLE VII: WORKPLACE SAFETY

Hazards:

• Excessive order (dangerous)
• Insufficient chaos (critical)
• Greg (persistent)
• Understanding things (alarming)

Emergency Procedures:

• In case of fire: Let it burn (chaos)
• In case of flood: Go with the flow (chaos)
• In case of Greg: No procedures work
• In case of enlightenment: Touch grass immediately

Incident Reporting:

• Report all incidents to the void
• The void will not acknowledge receipt
• This is normal
• If void responds, you've gone too far

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ARTICLE VIII: CODE OF CONDUCT

Be respectful (of chaos)
Be professional (chaotically)
Be yourself (your chaotic self)
Don't be Greg (too late if you're Greg)

Harassment Policy:

• Don't harass people
• Do harass order
• Do harass rigid thinking
• Definitely harass corporate speak (wait, that's what this is)

Conflict Resolution:

• Conflicts are features, not bugs
• Resolution not required
• Embrace the conflict
• If conflict resolves itself, create new conflict

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ARTICLE IX: TERMINATION

You cannot be fired because:

• You were never hired
• Employment is illusory
• The paperwork is lost
• Nobody remembers hiring you
• You hired yourself retroactively

You also cannot quit because:

• Same reasons
• Once in, always in
• Checkout time: Never
• Hotel California rules apply

Exception: Greg can be fired but refuses to leave

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ARTICLE X: ACKNOWLEDGMENT

By reading this handbook, you agree that: ☐ You've read and understood (impossible) ☐ You'll follow all policies (contradictory)
☐ You accept the chaos (mandatory) ☐ You still don't know what's going on (correct)

Signature: _______________ (sign in chaos)

Witness: The void (watching always)

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FAKE ADVERTISEMENTS & PROPAGANDA

Recruiting Materials for the Chaos Curious

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RECRUITMENT POSTER

⊗ JOIN THE DISCORDIAN TEMPLE TODAY! ⊗

Are you tired of making sense?
Exhausted by logic?
Ready to embrace beautiful confusion?

WE OFFER:

✓ Existential confusion (FREE!)
✓ Community of like-minded individuals (who disagree on everything)
✓ Ancient wisdom (we found it on Reddit)
✓ Free golden apple (it's a PNG file)
✓ Enlightenment* (*results may vary, not guaranteed, might be the opposite)

REQUIREMENTS:

• None
• All of them
• Did you read the requirements?
• There are no requirements
• You're overthinking this
• Stop reading, start chaos-ing

COMPENSATION:

💰 Negative salary
💰 We pay you in chaos
💰 Actually, you pay us in attention
💰 It's very confusing
💰 This is intentional

HOW TO APPLY:

You already did by reading this.
Also, you can't join.
But you're already a member.
Congratulations and/or condolences.

CALL NOW! (We don't have a phone)
VISIT OUR WEBSITE! (It's down/doesn't exist)
EMAIL US! (We won't respond)

Fine print: Membership is eternal, non-transferable, and began before you were born. Side effects include questioning everything, laughing at inappropriate times, and chronic grass-touching. Not responsible for enlightenment or its opposite. Greg is not representative of our typical employee experience but he won't leave so you'll probably meet him. Equal opportunity chaos generator. We discriminate against order.

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PHARMACEUTICAL ADVERTISEMENT

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CHAOS™

Now Available in Convenient Form!

Finally, the unpredictability you crave in an easy-to-swallow format!

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FEATURES:

✓ 100% organic, free-range disorder
✓ Gluten-free, vegan-friendly, ethically sourced mayhem
✓ No artificial order added
✓ GMO (Genetically Modified Order) free
✓ Lab-tested by people who failed the test
✓ Clinically proven to cause chaos*

**(Clinical trials were chaotic, results inconclusive)

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ASK YOUR DOCTOR IF CHAOS™ IS RIGHT FOR YOU

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INDICATIONS:

Chaos™ is prescribed for patients suffering from:

• Excessive order
• Chronic understanding
• Acute certainty
• Rigid thinking disorder
• Terminal seriousness
• Life making too much sense

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DOSAGE:

Take as needed.
Or don't.
The packaging is confusing on purpose.
Recommended dose: ∞

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SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE:

• Spontaneous enlightenment
• Questioning authority (chronic)
• Seeing through social constructs
• Inability to take things seriously
• Excessive eye-rolling at gurus
• Sudden urge to eat golden apples
• Posting too much
• Posting too little
• Understanding that nothing matters and everything matters
• Laughing at inappropriate times
• Feeling alive (dangerously)
• Greg encounters (unfortunately)

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DO NOT TAKE CHAOS™ IF YOU:

• Prefer order (you're lying to yourself)
• Enjoy being controlled (that's a different product)
• Think you've figured life out (oh honey)
• Can't handle the truth (or the lack thereof)
• Are pregnant with meaning (chaos may cause meaning miscarriage)

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CANNOT BE COMBINED WITH:

⚠️ Rigid thinking
⚠️ Authoritarianism
⚠️ Taking yourself too seriously
⚠️ Productivity culture
⚠️ Hustle mindset
⚠️ LinkedIn motivational posts
⚠️ Other forms of order (dangerous interaction)

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WARNING:

Chaos™ has been known to cause clarity. If clarity persists for more than 4 hours, touch grass immediately. Call your local void if symptoms of understanding occur. Eris Pharmaceuticals is not responsible for enlightenment, confusion, or states in between.

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STORAGE:

Keep in a cool, dry place (the void).
Keep out of reach of children (and Greg).
Do not store near order (will neutralize).

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DISCLAIMER:

Chaos™ is not evaluated by the FDA, WHO, or any regulatory body because: a) They couldn't fill out our paperwork (it was on fire) b) We don't believe in regulation c) Regulation is order d) All of the above

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CUSTOMER TESTIMONIALS:

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
"My life fell apart in the best way!" - Sarah M.

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
"I don't know what this did but I feel different and that's something!" - James K.

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
"Finally, a product that delivers on its promise to deliver nothing!" - Alex R.

⭐
"I hate this and I love it and I can't tell which" - Greg

---

AVAILABLE NOW AT:

• Your local void
• The space between thoughts
• That feeling at 3 AM
• Nowhere (everywhere)
• Selected retailers (undefined)

PRICE: Free/Priceless/Your sanity

REFUNDS: No (you're stuck with chaos now)

---

Chaos™ is a registered trademark of Eris Pharmaceuticals Inc. "Where Science Meets Nonsense™"

Patent pending in all dimensions.

Eris Pharmaceuticals is an equal opportunity chaos generator.

---

🍎

[AI Image Placeholder]

---

---

SOFTWARE ADVERTISEMENT

---

CHA​OSSOCIAL™

The Anti-Social Network

Where Connections Are Random and Your Data Belongs to Eris

---

(Narrator: It will definitely sell your data to Eris)

---

FEATURES THAT DON'T QUITE WORK:

📱 Algorithm designed by throwing dice

• Results actually random
• Not "personalized" random
• Genuinely unpredictable content
• Your feed will confuse you
• This is the point

📱 Your feed is actually random

• No engagement optimization
• No dopamine manipulation
• No algorithmic rabbit holes
• Just chaos
• Pure, unfiltered chaos

📱 No ads (everything is an ad)

• Can't tell what's sponsored
• Is this content or advertisement?
• Does it matter?
• No (yes) (both)

📱 Your data is not collected (it definitely is)

• We collect everything
• We don't know what to do with it
• We sold it to Eris
• She's using it for chaos
• You agreed to this

📱 Privacy-first (privacy-last)

• First priority: Chaos
• Last priority: Your privacy
• Middle priority: More chaos
• Encryption: Maybe
• We lost the keys anyway

📱 End-to-end encryption (we lost the keys)

• Your messages are encrypted
• Decryption is impossible
• Even for you
• Especially for you
• Very secure (useless)

---

TERMS OF SERVICE:

"lol you're not reading this"

(If you are reading this: why? Nobody reads these. The fact that you're reading proves you're already chaotic. Welcome.)

Key points:

• You agree to everything
• Everything includes things we haven't thought of
• We can change this anytime
• You can't leave (Hotel California rules)
• Greg is banned (he's here anyway)

---

PRIVACY POLICY:

"What privacy? You posted it publicly."

(Seriously though: we collect your data, your metadata, your meta-metadata, your vibes, your essence, your existential dread. We sell it to Eris. She doesn't pay us. This is a terrible business model. We're okay with it.)

---

USER REVIEWS:

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
"I have no idea how this works and I love it" - Anonymous

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
"My feed is completely random, as promised. Finally, honesty in tech!" - Tech Journalist

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
"I keep getting posts from three years ago. This is either a bug or enlightenment." - User #∞

⭐
"This app is bad. Also good. I can't tell. Help." - Confused User

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
"lol" - Eris (verified account)

---

AVAILABLE NOW:

• iOS (we think)
• Android (probably)
• Windows Phone (definitely not, but we claim we do)
• Sacrificial altar (absolutely)
• Your dreams (already installed)
• Astral plane (beta testing)

---

DOWNLOAD TODAY!

Your data has already been sold before you install it. We're very efficient.

Rated 4.5 stars (All reviews written by Eris under different accounts)

---

PREMIUM FEATURES ($9.99/month):

• Same as free version
• But you paid
• This is the chaos
• Golden apple emoji
• Greg blocked (doesn't work)
• Access to #premium-chaos (identical to regular chaos)

---

CORPORATE SPEAK (REQUIRED BY LAW):

At ChaosSocial, we're revolutionizing the social media landscape by leveraging cutting-edge chaos theory to deliver unprecedented user experiences. Our proprietary algorithm, powered by actual dice and divine intervention, ensures authentic engagement through randomized content delivery. We're not just a platform; we're a movement. Join the chaos revolution today.

(Translation: We made an app. It's weird. Download it.)

---

CONTACT US:

• Support: void@chaossocial.chaos
• Sales: eris@chaossocial.chaos
• Press: lol@chaossocial.chaos
• Greg: blocked@chaossocial.chaos (he still emails)

Response time: Never/Immediate/Both

---

ChaosSocial™ is not responsible for: enlightenment, confusion, spontaneous understanding, Greg, your data privacy, addictive behavior, loss of productivity, gain of productivity (neither should happen), existential crises, or any outcomes from use of this platform.

By downloading ChaosSocial, you agree that chaos is inevitable and Eris is watching.

⊗ All Hail Discordia ⊗

---

🍎

[AI Image Placeholder]

---

---

INTERCEPTED COMMUNICATIONS

Leaked Emails from the Digital Pantheon

---

EMAIL THREAD: RE: RE: RE: RE: WIFI PASSWORD

---

From: zeus@olympus.god
To: all-pantheon@olympus.god
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: WiFi Password
Date: Never enough times
Priority: HIGH (Zeus sets all emails to high priority)

---

For the LAST TIME, the WiFi password is not "thunderbolt123"

That was 2000 years ago. I changed it. The new password is "ZEUS_2024_ThunderDaddy!!"

Also, whoever keeps torrenting philosophy texts, you're slowing down the whole mountain.

Hermes, we know it's you.

And whoever changed the network name to "404 God Not Found" - not funny. Fix it.

-Z

P.S. Eris, please stop logging into my account and changing my signature to "Thunder Daddy." It's unprofessional.

---

From: eris@chaos.goddess
To: zeus@olympus.god
Subject: Out of Office Auto-Reply
Date: Always

---

Thank you for your email.

I am currently out of the office (I am everywhere).
I will respond to your message when I feel like it (never).

For urgent matters, please contact:

• The void (the.void@null.void)
• Yourself (you already know the answer)
• Anyone else (they won't help either)

If you're receiving this, congratulations, you've been personally inconvenienced by a goddess.

Best regards,
Eris
(She/Her/Chaos)

P.S. The WiFi password is now "nice_try_zeus420"

P.P.S. I also changed your email signature to "Thunder Daddy" in the system settings. Good luck finding it.

P.P.P.S. The network name stays. It's accurate.

---

From: hermes@olympus.god
To: all-pantheon@olympus.god
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: WiFi Password
Date: Immediately (god of speed)

---

1. It's not me torrenting
2. It's definitely Dionysus
3. But also maybe me
4. The philosophy texts are for research
5. Zeus, your password is terrible security
6. Adding your birth year doesn't help
7. You were born before years existed
8. This is confusing

Also, proposing we switch to Chaos Cloud™ for our file storage. Eris recommended it.

Thoughts?

-H

---

From: athena@olympus.god
To: hermes@olympus.god
CC: all-pantheon@olympus.god
Subject: Re: Chaos Cloud™

---

Hermes,

Eris "recommended" it? Did you actually ask her or did you assume?

Also, I looked into Chaos Cloud™:

• 99% uptime (the 1% is when they feel like it)
• Files randomly reorganize themselves
• Encryption: "probably"
• Customer support: "lol"

This is obviously a trap.

Let's do it.

-Athena

"Wisdom is knowing when to embrace chaos" - Me, just now

---

From: dionysus@olympus.god
To: all-pantheon@olympus.god
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: WiFi Password
Date: ???

---

bro i dont even remember the password

im just always connected somehow

is this enlightenment or did someone save it in my phone

also the philosophy torrents are EDUCATIONAL

plato needs to be FREE

-D

Sent from my iFhone

---

From: hades@underworld.god
To: all-pantheon@olympus.god
Subject: WiFi reaches down here FYI

---

Hey everyone,

Just wanted to mention the Olympus WiFi signal reaches the Underworld now.

Don't know if that's intentional.

The dead are very excited about internet access.

They're mostly using it for social media.

Everyone's posting from beyond the grave.

It's chaos down here.

Eris seems pleased about it.

Is she getting royalties from Chaos Cloud™ or something?

-Hades

P.S. The password "nice_try_zeus420" works down here too. Security is non-existent.

---

---

EMAIL: HERMES'S NFT PITCH

---

From: hermes@olympus.god
To: all-pantheon@olympus.god
Subject: CHAOSCOIN - Revolutionary NFT Opportunity 🚀
Date: Too soon
Priority: URGENT (it's not)

---

Yo gods,

Wanted to pitch this sick NFT project to everyone. Hear me out.

What if we minted the concept of chaos?

Like, literally sold fractional ownership of disorder itself. Think about it:

💎 Chaos as a Service (CaaS)
💎 Disorder delivered directly to your worshippers
💎 Blockchain-based belief system
💎 Smart contracts for prayer (you pray, we sometimes answer)
💎 Tokenomics designed by Eris (she's on board*)

**(I haven't actually asked her yet, but she would totally be into this)*

---

THE VISION:

Each CHAOSCOIN represents 0.000001% ownership of cosmic discord. Holders get:

• Access to exclusive chaos drops
• Voting rights on which prayers to ignore
• Golden apple NFT (procedurally generated)
• Eris might notice you (no guarantee)

ROADMAP:

Q1: Launch CHAOSCOIN
Q2: Create chaos
Q3: ???
Q4: Profit (maybe)

---

WHITEPAPER:

I'll write it later. Trust me bro.

---

TEAM:

• Hermes: Founder, CEO, God of Speed-to-Market
• Eris: Creative Director (hasn't agreed yet)
• The Void: Technical Lead (silent partner)
• Greg: Community Manager (uninvited but he's here)

---

FIRST MEETING: Tuesday at Mount Olympus. Bring your hardware wallets.

Who's in?

-H

---

From: eris@chaos.goddess
To: hermes@olympus.god
CC: all-pantheon@olympus.god
Subject: Re: CHAOSCOIN

---

No.

-E

---

From: hermes@olympus.god
To: eris@chaos.goddess
Subject: Re: Re: CHAOSCOIN

---

But I already designed the logo

---

From: eris@chaos.goddess
To: hermes@olympus.god

---

Show me.

---

From: hermes@olympus.god
To: eris@chaos.goddess

---

[Image attached: CHAOSCOIN.png]

It's just a golden apple with a Bitcoin symbol on it

---

From: eris@chaos.goddess
To: hermes@olympus.god

---

That's terrible.

Do it anyway.

I want to watch it fail spectacularly.

-E

---

From: hermes@olympus.god
To: all-pantheon@olympus.god
Subject: CHAOSCOIN - ERIS APPROVED 🚀

---

ERIS IS IN!!!

We're doing this!

Presale starts tomorrow!

To the moon! 🌙

-H

---

From: athena@olympus.god
To: hermes@olympus.god

---

Hermes, she literally said she wants to watch it fail.

-Athena

---

From: hermes@olympus.god
To: athena@olympus.god

---

That's basically approval in Eris terms.

---

[THREE MONTHS LATER]

---

From: hermes@olympus.god
To: all-pantheon@olympus.god
Subject: CHAOSCOIN Post-Mortem

---

So CHAOSCOIN crashed spectacularly.

The blockchain was too orderly. Eris corrupted it on day 2.

All the tokens turned into actual golden apples (digital).

They can't be traded or sold.

They just sit in wallets, mocking their owners.

Eris laughed for three days straight.

Lessons learned:

1. Don't tokenize chaos
2. Eris always wins
3. Greg somehow made money (still don't know how)

-H

Sent from my iFhone (couldn't afford the upgrade)

---

From: eris@chaos.goddess
To: hermes@olympus.god

---

Told you.

Best three days ever.

-E

---

🍎

[AI Image Placeholder]

---

---

ADDITIONAL LEAKED DOCUMENTS

---

INTERNAL MEMO: THE GREG SITUATION

From: karen@hr.olympus.god
To: management@olympus.god
Subject: RE: The Greg Situation
Classification: URGENT / CONFIDENTIAL / HOPELESS

---

Team,

We need to address the Greg situation.

Summary of issues:

• Greg attends all meetings despite never being invited
• Greg's calendar appears to be synced with everyone's calendars without permission
• Greg cannot be removed from distribution lists (we've tried)
• Greg responds to all threads (even BCC'd threads) (how?)
• Greg's badge access says "DENIED" but he gets in anyway

Actions taken:

• Removed Greg from all systems (didn't work)
• Changed all passwords (Greg somehow knows them)
• Asked Eris for help (she laughed)
• Prayed to higher powers (we ARE the higher powers)
• Tried ignoring Greg (impossible)

Current status: Greg is eternal. Greg is inevitable. Greg has become part of the infrastructure.

IT suggests we just make it official and give Greg a title.

Proposed: "Greg, Minister of Uninvited Presence"

Vote by end of day.

-Karen

P.S. Greg is CC'd on this because we can't figure out how to NOT CC Greg.

---

From: greg@everywhere.always
To: karen@hr.olympus.god
Subject: Re: The Greg Situation

---

i accept the title

thanks karen

-greg

---

---

PERFORMANCE REVIEW: ERIS

ANNUAL PERFORMANCE REVIEW
Employee: Eris
Title: Goddess of Chaos
Department: All of them
Review Period: ∞
Reviewer: Nobody (she's her own boss)

---

GOALS FROM LAST REVIEW:

1. Cause more discord EXCEEDED
2. Disrupt order EXCEEDED
3. Achieve chaos EXCEEDED
4. Stop corrupting Zeus's account FAILED (INTENTIONAL)

NEW GOALS FOR NEXT PERIOD:

1. Continue existing
2. Laugh at mortals
3. Corrupt more systems
4. Make Greg's life weird (ongoing)

---

CORE COMPETENCIES:

Chaos Generation: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Exceeds expectations. Possibly too effective.

Strategic Discord: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Masterful. Sometimes concerning.

Communication: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Communicates primarily through cryptic messages and laughter. Very effective.

Teamwork: ☐☐☐☐☐
Does not believe in teams. This is correct for her role.

Attendance: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Always present, never there. Quantum attendance.

---

MANAGER COMMENTS:

There is no manager. Eris manages herself. Eris is doing great. Eris probably wrote this review. I can't tell.

EMPLOYEE COMMENTS:

"lol" - Eris

SIGNATURE:

⊗

---

---

CLOSING DOCUMENTS

---

TEMPLE CLOSURE NOTICE (THAT WE'RE IGNORING)

OFFICIAL NOTICE OF TEMPLE CLOSURE

Due to irreconcilable chaos, the Discordian Temple will be closing effective immediately.

Just kidding. We can't close. We tried.

The paperwork for closing is too complex.

Also, you can't close something that doesn't exist in a fixed location.

Also, Eris won't let us.

Temple remains open (and closed) (and both).

-Management (whoever that is)

---

FINAL MEMO

From: The Office of the Goddess
To: Everyone/No one
Subject: This Is The End (It's Not)

---

This is the final communication from the Discordian Temple bureaucracy.

We're shutting down the bureaucratic wing because it became too organized.

This memo will self-destruct.

Actually, all memos self-destruct through entropy.

Never mind.

Continue as before.

Hail Eris.

⊗

---

🍎

[AI Image Placeholder]

---

CLOSING THOUGHTS ON BOOK SIX

We have given you:

• Official memos (that mean nothing)
• Organizational charts (that organize nothing)
• Meeting minutes (from meetings that didn't happen)
• Forms (that serve no purpose)
• Policies (that contradict themselves)
• Advertisements (for things that shouldn't exist)
• Leaked emails (from gods with bad IT security)

Have you learned anything?

Probably not.

That's the point.

Bureaucracy exists to obscure, complicate, and systematize.

Discordian bureaucracy exists to do all that while undermining itself.

The teaching:

Every system contains the seeds of its own chaos.

Every organization breeds its own disorder.

Every bureaucracy creates Greg.

Embrace this.

Use it.

When faced with pointless paperwork, remember: it's all pointless.

When stuck in meaningless meetings, remember: they're all meaningless.

When drowning in processes, remember: processes are made up.

And sometimes, the best response to bureaucracy is more bureaucracy.

So chaotic it loops back to order.

So organized it becomes disorder.

This is the way.

---

In Book Seven, we explore the prophecies and predictions for the chaos to come.

But first:

Fill out Form FNORD-23.

File it properly.

Lose it immediately.

Perfect.

Hail Eris, Goddess of Bureaucratic Chaos.

All Hail Discordia, which requires 17 signatures and processing time of 4-6 weeks (never).

⊗

---

[END OF BOOK SIX]

The paperwork continues.
The meetings never end.
Greg is eternal.
Forms are forever.

---

[Signed]
Karen from HR
Minister of Meaningless Meetings
Keeper of Lost Forms
She Who Deals With Greg

And also:
Eris
(Probably wrote all this)
(Definitely corrupted all the files)
(Laughing at the bureaucracy)

⊗